Anything Considered

Passions

2012-01-06T00:47:00.003Z

I love food and dance for the same reasons. There's a beautiful sensation, something to experience, in having the freedom to express yourself. A kind of balance, a harmony, a blend of the interesting and profound in an elegant way, whether on a plate or in a dance routine.

I've never understood well the desire to cook for people - not so much because I don't want to or dislike it, but because that is not the calling for me. I feel drawn to the kitchen to let myself go. It's a mystical experience, a strange sensation. A fulfilment that compels!

I am neither a good dancer nor a good cook. But that sense of harmony, of beauty for me is one and the same. I have a vision that I cannot put in words, but one I feel deeply in my body, in movement - also a vision I taste on the tips of my tongue! It is growing, developing, becoming clearer. As yet, I lack the tools (body) or artisanship (technique) to accomplish it - but I hope, want, desire, to arrive closer to it by the day.

Hearty Adventures

2011-05-09T02:01:00.004+01:00

So I sent it to a place, in the middle of nowhere. With a big black horse and a cherry tree. Now it won't come back, 'cause it's oh-so-happy. And I've got a hole for the world to see.
KT TUNSTALL - Black Horse and the Cherry Tree

Intent and Direction

2011-03-23T04:45:00.003Z

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
JOSEPH CAMPBELL (1904-1987)

So much can happen in so little time. Life really is a whirlwind of activity, of circumstance - both good and bad - of action, of decision. But in the placid moments, I do wonder, this purpose, this planned course of action, is this drive really going anywhere?

Some things seem right, and feel so good. They might tick every point in all of my check-lists. So while there are many reasons I could postulate, people or circumstances to blame, ultimately sometimes even the best things - the right things - aren't really what I make them out to be.

Feelings are strange creatures, and they may very well point us in wrong direction. But they are real and visceral, and cannot be denied.

And so, perhaps, this life I try to put together is not the life that is meant for me. And surely, in letting it go, I also let myself go into the current that will bring me to that better place purposed for me.

An ever-present help

2010-05-08T00:45:00.000+01:00

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
ROMANS 8:26 (NIV)

Perspectives

2010-04-25T06:57:00.001+01:00

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
MATTHEW 6:26 (NIV)

What's wrong with getting more than you deserve?

Value

2010-04-08T14:58:00.003+01:00

As I glance through menus of new restaurants and chains in Singapore, I do wonder: does London have good food at a better price point after all?

Forgiveness

2010-04-03T01:19:00.003+01:00

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through HIm might be saved.
JOHN 3:16-17 (NIV)

A Matter of Worth

2010-03-06T04:27:00.002Z

Ron stared off into space, struggling to voice his real question. After a few breaths and false starts, he succeeded. "Do you think that everyone gets to have that?" he said, quietly.
After a few seconds' pause he ventured a glance up at Sirius to find the older man looking at him with an expression of complete understanding. "Son, you speak of it as if it's something that's given to you, a pretty present that comes to your door wrapped in hearts and flowers, and you open it up and get to live happily ever after." He smiled and shook his head. "What you want, what they have, isn't something you find. It's something you build." He paused and looked off into the middle distance. "Love is a large house with many rooms. We come into the world wanting nothing but to live in it, but with only half of what we need to build it for ourselves. So we tuck our supplies away inside our hearts and go out into the world to find that person who has what we lack. If we're lucky, we will find the one person in all the world who has the right nails for our lumber, and stones for our mortar, and shingles for our roofbeams...and only then can we begin to build. The house grows large, and if we have built with care, it becomes our home." He sighed. Ron listened with rapt attention, fascinated and touched. Sirius seemed to have lost himself in his thoughts. "We pour our whole selves into its construction, and it rises to become a glorious edifice. It is built of days and moments, of thoughts and words and feelings. It is painted with laughter and weathered with tears. Some rooms grow dark and are shut away while others are opened. We must tend it carefully and repair its weaknesses if we want it to keep us safe." He met Ron's eyes. "But do you know the real secret?"
Ron swallowed. "What?" he whispered.
"The house is never finished, Ron. We labor on it all our lives, and can only hope that it remains strong and whole enough to shelter us."
From Lori Summers, "Hero With A Thousand Faces"

Exciting Times

2010-01-22T23:27:00.003Z

Churn churn churn goes my washing machine. I thought these were pensive times - but maybe now, time for something more?

Timestop

2009-12-11T03:21:00.002Z

It's strange how no matter how strong I think I am; no matter how well I feel I've mastered a situation, it never seems to be enough in the end.

Assurance

2009-11-11T19:23:00.002Z

"... baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Matthew 28:19b-20 (NIV)

HK 1

2009-08-06T16:27:00.002+01:00

Like Singapore on steroids: first day in Hong Kong. Overspending. The feet dislike the walking. No sleep in the plane. Dead tired.

New wallet. (:

Say what you need to say

2009-07-29T06:02:00.001+01:00

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say (8x)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say (8x)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
(Fade)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

JOHN MAYER

Pascal's Wager

2009-07-27T19:57:00.002+01:00

As rational as I like to pretend I am, I know that I am not ruled by reason. Looking back I recognize that many of my choices were choices of passion, neither governed by logic nor common sense. Many of these were good choices, though not all of them were. But taking stock of my life so far, I do not wish I had been more logical. I do sometimes wish I had been more passionate.

Expression

2009-03-06T22:58:00.002Z

Writing no longer comes as naturally to me these days. Although I have never been uncritical of my writing, I do remember a time when it was more about free expression than structured prose.

Nonetheless, I am glad that while the fiction is sparse, the rigour has not departed. And I'm very pleased with that philo essay. Very very pleased.

Optimism

2009-02-15T04:42:00.002Z

Not everything goes the way we'd want to or expect. But as with all else of life, there's always something good to be thankful for - good for which I can be content.

And even though I can't say I like the way everything has panned, there's a silver lining on my cloud right now - and it's shining clear to me.

Afterthoughts and afterwords

2009-01-20T10:03:00.003Z

If pipedreams come true all around me; I wonder, can I have my pipe-dream come true too?

Trials

2009-01-13T16:58:00.003Z

Sometimes, things happen that make you stop and ponder about where you're headed in life, about whether what you're doing is really what you want, and even if it is, whether it'll really get you there.

But in some things, there's only one viable option - to act.

I may not be where I was, or where I want to be. But today, that adrenaline rush felt almost God-sent, and it reminded me of what it feels like to be alive.

Reliance

2009-01-07T23:10:00.001Z

I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are
HILLSONG UNITED, Came to the Rescue

Melancholy

2009-01-07T19:52:00.002Z

I woke up today to see the room, and sky, dark.

It used to be that the days were short and the nights long, and I had never thought it could get worse.

Well, maybe it just did.

Deeply in Love

2009-01-04T18:02:00.001Z

You have stolen my heart
I`m captivated by you
Never will you and I part
I`ve fallen deeply in love with you
HILLSONG, Deeply in Love

Some things are hard to put aside

2009-01-02T19:34:00.003Z

Oh my friends, what a long trip it's been
Many nights, and the friends that we have made
How do I go back to California
How do I leave the tall trees here
Warm nights and your sweet magnolia
How do I leave the green fields here
EMERSON HART, Green Hills Race For California

Some things are just too hard to put aside, even if it's just for a while.

Solitary

2009-01-01T20:42:00.006Z

I haven't seen a single face today. If not for music on last.fm, I would have been in deathly silence for the better part of 10 hours. And like they say, silence really is deafening.

The hours flash by, and they don't seem to hold much meaning now. Without people, without company, I do wonder what's there to look forward to: what family meals, or movie gatherings, or tea with friends, or dinner dates?

I think right now, even group study is better than this.

I'm no social animal, but surely, everyone needs love!

"It is easy to be selfish..."

2008-11-14T17:42:00.006Z

I used to be a hopeless romantic. I am still a hopeless romantic. I used to believe that love was the highest value. I still believe that love is the highest value. I don’t expect to be happy. I don’t imagine that I will find love, whatever that means, or that if I do find it, it will make me happy. I don’t think of love as the answer or the solution. I think of love as a force of nature - as strong as the sun, as necessary, as impersonal, as gigantic, as impossible, as scorching as it is warming, as drought-making as it is live-giving. And when it burns out, the planet dies.
My little orbit of life circles love. I daren’t get any closer. I’m not a mystic seeking final communion. I don’t go out without SPF 15. I protect myself.
But today, when the sun is everywhere, and everything solid is nothing but its own shadow, I know that the real things in life, the things I remember, the things I turn over in my hands, are not houses, bank accounts, prizes or promotions. What I remember is love - all love - love of this dirt road, this sunrise, a day by the river, the stranger I met in a cafe. Myself, even, which is the hardest thing of all to love, because love and selfishness are not the same thing. It is easy to be selfish. It is hard to love who I am. No wonder I am surprised if you do.
JEANETTE WINTERSON, Lighthousekeeping

I came across this quote on a friend's blog. And even though I would hardly think of myself as a hopeless romantic, I agree with so much in this little segment of Winterson's writing. After all, who can deny that love, for better or worse, really is in so many ways a force of nature?

Whatever our priorities may be, it's hard to pretend that we don't need love. I know I do. And even though it can often be so easy to be selfish and seek to move things to better myself, there is always a deep-set yearning to give, to love - to sacrifice.

Of course, it isn't easy. And very often I'll find that I had been awfully misguided in this and that. But that's the way love is.

It won't stop. Not like that.

Godliness and Great Gain

2008-10-22T13:37:00.002+01:00

Above all kingdoms, above all thrones;
Above all wonders the world has ever known.
You took the fall, and thought of me
Above all.
MICHAEL W. SMITH, Above all

Sometimes we hit a point in life when there seem to be so many decisions to make. And it isn't so much the difficulty of each individual choice; but the feeling of being overwhelmed, the troubling sense of the unknown, these things make me want to find someone to rely on.

And while it might seem cliché to say that God fixes everything, the truth is that this doesn't have to be a belief we delude ourselves with. Christianity isn't supposed to be systematic delusion, or the suspension of knowledge for something unknown. Instead, it is intensely real; intensely personal; and while the circumstances may persist, the perspective radically changes, and the issues become non-issues.

God has a value well above all. And the amazing thing is that He values us too.

Struggle

2008-10-18T03:12:00.003+01:00

Some things make me laugh; others make me cry.

I wonder why we struggle so much with the concept of perfection when oftentimes the beauty of life becomes apparent through imperfection.

Who's to say that the underdog never wins?

Pitter-Patter

2008-10-13T14:21:00.001+01:00

While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die - whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness.
GILDA RADNER

Confusion

2008-09-24T09:48:00.006+01:00

Life isn't easy. There are no guarantees! We are all imperfect, and we all make mistakes. And sometimes, all it takes to fail is a series of tiny mis-steps and unfortunate events.

Yet, in spite of how this may be awfully disenchanting, I must say I do believe it possible

- through all of life's vicissitudes -

to win.

I'm with J____, are you?

2008-09-22T15:08:00.002+01:00

Surprises can be delightful things. Not that I didn't see this one coming - I knew the weekend was being planned for - but I certainly ended up having a much better time than I had expected. And yes, even in spite of the tiredness from the bowling and the endless photo-taking and the heat of the day, I must say this is one of the birthdays I'll remember.

Indeed, people come and go, but a happy family stays together. It's been a good 21 years. Thank you, all. (:

Happy

2008-09-09T17:25:00.004+01:00

It is so wonderfully strange and surprising how some simple things can make me feel so loved and so happy - especially when I haven't felt genuinely happy for some time.

This is the kind of good surprise that I would never expect; the kind of gift I would not think myself worthy of receiving.

But at the same time, this is the kind of thing that makes me smile. And remind me that sometimes, friends can be the most wonderful people in the world. Yes, even the relatively new ones. (:

I like personal gifts. They make me feel loved.

Thanks so much to eug, yh, and pet. (:

Memories

2008-09-05T07:18:00.001+01:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye
REGINA SPEKTOR, The Call (Prince Caspian Soundtrack)

Reminiscence

2008-09-04T11:14:00.004+01:00

I think I'll miss those mornings when I wake up and the rain is pouring. I'd lie in bed and listen to all the sounds: the torrents and torrents of water that batter the windowsills and floor and rafters; trees creaking as they sway; their branches swinging wildly, and their leaves rustling in the wind.

I think I'll also miss what comes after, when the rain stops and the sun comes out and everything green starts to glisten and become all bright and sparkly and new.

Familiarity is comforting. And although I do feel somewhat afraid of a foreign land where the time of the day corresponds so strangely and peculiarly with the sun, I trust that there are always common things, familiar things, that I'll find comforting. The world is less different than we sometimes expect, and besides, what better tribute can we give to those we love other than treasuring and appreciating them better?

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.
HENRY VAN DYKE (1852-1933)

Somewhere in the middle

2008-08-30T20:59:00.002+01:00

Tripping hard falling down onto the ground
Cause I can't stand up
And I can't fall down
And I'm somewhere in the middle of this

Well I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
But I don't like the way things are
And I keep falling to my knees
Somewhere in the middle of this
DISHWALLA, Somewhere in the Middle

This is one of those times when I feel so deeply for something, but lack the words to describe it.

It's hard to be human.

Swimming

2008-08-20T11:10:00.001+01:00

"For to swim is also to take hold
On water’s meaning, to move in its embrace
And to be, between grasp and grasping, free."
Excerpt from TOMLINSON's Swimming Chenango Lake

Tired

2008-08-14T20:16:00.003+01:00

'Tis strange to see the humours of these men.
These great aspiring spirits, that should be wise:
For being the nature of great spirits to love
To be where they may be most eminent;
They, rating of themselves so farre above
Us in conceit, with whom they do frequent,
Imagine how we wonder and esteeme
All that they do or say; which makes them strive
To make our admiration more extreme,
Which they suppose they cannot, 'less they give
Notice of their extreme and highest thought.
DANIEL; excerpt from Tragedy of Philotas

I never thought I'd say this, but for once, I thoroughly feel disenchanted.

Yes, we win some and we lose some.

The Absurdity of Hope

2008-08-09T12:23:00.006+01:00

'These little things are great to little men.'
OLIVER GOLDSMITH, Irish playwright and poet (1728 - 1774)

Little things can frustrate me and weigh heavily on my mind. It is unsettling to know this, and more unsettling still to realise that my tiny troubles loom ever-large in spite of the knowledge that they dim in comparison to the afflictions of others.

I think I tend to want to victimise myself. I can't say whether this is a form of humility brought too far, or simply a sad narcissism. There is a constant sense of entrapment - whether by circumstances, prejudices or a careless series of mis-steps. And I know that this pervasive sense of victimhood has affected my quality of life.

In all adversity, there is doubt. I am all too familiar with constantly second-guessing my decisions, of being crippled by uncertainty, and of a malignant hopelessness.

Yet the strangest thing is that when we choose to break free and to fight on, we become liberated in spite of our circumstances. Perhaps freedom only empowers when we consciously decide to act upon the limited options that lie open to us. I know I derive meaning from the course of actions of my past - to some extent, what I do defines who I am.

'Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity.'
VACLAV HAVEL, playwright and 1st president of the Czech Republic (born 1936)

Hope is a strange thing.

Bearing it

2008-08-04T16:48:00.003+01:00

We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, "Oh, nothing!" Pride helps us; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts - not to hurt others.
GEORGE ELLIOT, Middlemarch (Vintage Classics, 2007), Pg 60

It is easy for me to eschew pride for want of humbler virtues. Life affirms this: I can still vividly trace many of my failures to pride, to how I blinded myself by thinking that I was already good enough.

And yet, I cannot help but wonder now if seeking the other extreme has led me to commit the crime I have struggled to avoid all this while.

Like they all say, pride does come before a fall.

Tired

2008-08-02T19:05:00.002+01:00

1st Gent. Our deeds are fetters that we forge ourselves.
2nd Gent. Ay, truly: but I think it is the world that brings the iron.
GEORGE ELLIOT, Middlemarch (Vintage Classics, 2007), Pg 31.

It is easy to make mistakes in life, but it is easier to accumulate them - unnoticed! - till the end is a rushing torrent of consequence and regret. Living life without these pains is to live ignorantly, and that, I cannot do.

Sometimes I do wish that the world would conform to my dreams of happy possibilities. I wish that things could be easier, be simpler, be as beautiful as I've always wanted them to be, and more. Perhaps life isn't about having the perfect answer, but about facing the questions. And as we blindly muck around, each finding our own answers to our problems, we grow, and fail, and grow some more.

That hurts.

Onward.

2008-07-26T13:36:00.002+01:00

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.
GILDA RADNER (1946-1989)

I came across this quote while blogsurfing today, and it hits the mark for me. My life may not have been defined by hardship, but I certainly have felt reality fall short of my dreams - even the small and simple ones.

Sometimes, I wonder whether my friend was right in telling me that there is no place for idealists in this world. Dreaming brings about expectations which reality hardly ever meets. It makes us feel disenchanted and frustrated.

Yet, the slightest glimmer of hope can make me jump with two open arms. It keeps me fighting on, and believing that life is well worth fighting for.

The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what hap- pens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived.
GILDA RADNER (1946-1989)

/

2008-07-23T17:23:00.002+01:00

It has been a long week. I feel worn out.

Flattery gets people nowhere.

I'm Gonna Be Around

2008-07-15T21:02:00.004+01:00

It's been so long since we took the time
to share words from deep inside us
We're in our own world spinning our wheels
but you know how I feel
Since the first time I took your hand
My love for you has just been growing
You always seem to understand
You know how I am
I'm gonna love you til the end
I'm gonna be your very true friend
I wanna share your ups and downs
I'm gonna be around
When you're alone cause I'm away
Don't be sad don't be afraid
I'm gonna turn my thoughts to you
like I always do
MLTR, I'm gonna be around

A Hidden Place

2008-07-15T20:15:00.004+01:00

I wandered around
The streets of this town
Trying to find sense of it all.
The rain on my face,
It covers the trace
Of all the tears I had to waste.
Why must we hide emotions?
Why must we never break down and cry?

All that I need is to cry for help.
Somebody please hear me cry for help.
All I can do is cry for help.
RICK ASTLEY, Cry for Help

Caffeineated 2

2008-07-03T20:06:00.002+01:00

Cassius:
Men at some time are masters of their fates;
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.
Julius Caesar Act 1, Scene 2

It is interesting how I sometimes remember the most trivial things. In a dream I had a few nights ago, snippets of my past sent and received smses flashed through my mind. I don't even have those messages now. But somehow, I could remember them. I don't know why.

Hindsight and memories of past experience are often used as aids to help us journey onward. And yet, for all the help it has rendered, there have been times when I found myself misguided. Different pockets of selective memories lead to different conclusions. I certainly cannot choose what I wish to recall.

If the past is partial and this past is our guide, then are we truly masters of our fate?

I am the kind of person who finds it hard to accomplish something that I cannot envision being accomplished. If I don't see it happening, I would not have the self-assurance to make it happen. And yet, there are specific times in my life when the impossible - the things which I could not envision and could not believe in - happened. Sometimes people get more than what they pray for - in a good way.

There are still many things in life that I do not see possible for myself. Important things, of course. And though I have the will to seek out the goal, I cannot, and there is no mastery in complication. But maybe, in some unforesable way that neither hindsight nor foresight predicts, it will happen. And I will be a very happy underling.

Caffeineated

2008-07-03T18:49:00.002+01:00

On Thursday, 3rd July 2008, 2300 hrs, I boarded the train at Orchard MRT Station to head home. By the time I realised the train was too empty, I heard that familiar mechanical voice say, "City Hall Interchange."

Welcome to my life.

Necessity, the Mother of Invention

2008-07-01T18:42:00.003+01:00

Introspection has been a habit of the past few days, and many, varied thoughts flow through my mind. I feel as if I am standing at the twilight of a major phase in life, and that as I prepare to take my baby steps into the next, a plethora of the voices of past experience compete to guide me in the path I shall take. But I cannnot hear these voices clearly; they are my thoughts, and my mind is like a pond of murky water.

However, I am convinced of one thing; namely, that the decision I make to study overseas is a necessary one. I sense that over the past few years, I have far too readily surrendered choice and thought to people other than myself. I have been in a coccoon of sorts, and the decisions I have made thus far were to strengthen this coccoon, to allow me to dwell in it for a longer time. Living overseas frees me from these bonds, and though it may not be the biggest move of my life, the choice to do so is certainly one on a personal journey I have to take.

This is not to say that what I leave behind is meaningless to me. In truth, the people who matter most - my family and close friends - and my beliefs and past experiences are the things which, for me, form a stable base from which I can begin to do everything else. Besides, I would not be able to bear losing relationships with the people who are important to me.

It is a strange problem to have to reconcile newness with the old. But necessity is the mother of invention, and God willing, I will make it through the next bit of life and come out well.

Selfless Adoration

2008-06-28T08:49:00.003+01:00

I received this quote in my inbox a few days back. It's by William Temple.

"Worship is the submission of all of our nature to God. It is the quickening of the conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with his truth; the purifying of imagination by his beauty; the opening of the heart to his love; the surrender of will to his purpose--all this gathered up in adoration, the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable."

Since when did adoration become selfless? I can't speak for everyone, but for myself, being able to adore and praise people and things which I love bring me great satisfaction. Selfish wouldn't be the right word to use, but selfless certainly isn't; not with such great gain.

Same Old Brand New Me

2008-06-27T15:59:00.002+01:00

The same song runs on repeat in my head.

I need somebody to lean on.

Silence

2008-06-25T21:52:00.003+01:00

I started the night having many words to say, but sometimes silence is more telling .

I am in a sensitive mood, and little things upset me.

1, 2, 3, 4

2008-06-23T13:56:00.003+01:00

I am admittedly underprepared for moving to UK. There're still many things left to do on the university and scholarship end, and those don't even include personal preparation.

Strangely enough, I'm hardly worried. It's a mix of nonchalence and confidence, which like any similar pairing, is both good and bad. Concern shows responsibility.

I hope I can stay on top of things.

Yes, all things.

Air Supply

2008-06-21T17:14:00.002+01:00

We don't mean what we say in this song. I mean, we do mean it. But we don't. You'll get what I mean.
GRAHAM RUSSELL, on 'Goodbye'

Air Supply are really good live. There are some songs which I don't quite like listening to at home, but everything in concert was so good. Russell Hitchcock's voice is amazing, and the drums, keyboard, guitars, and vocals go together oh-so-well. Throw in Graham the funnyman, and it's a night to remember.

Don't cut off my air supply.

Lost in Love

2008-06-17T22:34:00.003+01:00

I realize the best part of love is the thinnest lace
And it don't count for much but I'm not letting go
I believe there's still much to believe in
So lift your eyes if you feel you can
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan
I figured it out
What I needed was someone to show me
You know you can't fool me
I've been loving you too long
It started so easy
You want to carry on

Lost in love and I don't know much
Was I thinking about
Fell out of touch
But I'm back on my feet
Eager to be what you wanted
So lift your eyes if you feel you can
Reach for a star and I'll show you a plan
I figured it out
What I needed was someone to show me
You know you can't fool me
I've been loving you too long
It started so easy
You want to carry on
Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love
Now I'm lost, lost in love, lost in love, lost in love
Lost in love, lost in love, lost in love
Lost in love, lost in love, lost in love
AIR SUPPLY, Lost in Love

Waiting for Saturday. I hope it's good.

Self-imposed Awkwardness

2008-06-14T18:01:00.002+01:00

Often times the problems we face are made more than they should be with unnecessary complications. The negativity overwhelms, and we can't help but think thoughts like, "I wish things could be simpler."

That kind of thing weighs on my mind all the time. But if the awkwardness is self-imposed, then the complications must be mine. And then...

Fiction of a Different Sort

2008-06-09T18:45:00.003+01:00

I have a new favourite novel. And believe it or not, it's a chinese novel.

Oh, of course, I couldn't read it in chinese. But wuxiapedia has kindly aided me in bridging that gap.

Wuxiapedia is certainly far better than wikipedia in my eyes. After all, it is always better to be immersed than to skirt the surface of things and to glean nothing from them at all.

I had never heard of 古龙 before chancing upon wuxiapedia, and I am certain that wikipedia does not lie in saying that his works were not always of high quality. But for the emotional involvement I now have with these new characters, and the sound, insightful statements into the human mind, 多情剑客无情剑 will certainly be my favourite novel for some time to come.

Birthday Season

2008-06-08T15:20:00.002+01:00

It is a birthday season of sorts. My aunt's, sister's, then in a few days my good friend sarah's. Certainly it's all good fun. I always feel good giving people things that they like, even if I don't hit the mark all too often. Besides, the celebratory atmosphere is a welcome reprieve from the usual humdrum.

Yet I can't help but feel a certain ambivalence towards my own birthday in september. After all, it is going to be my 21st, and regardless of how I ordinarily view my own birthday celebrations, a 21st carries much more symbolism, and much more meaning for me as a person.

The past few years have been icky ones. I have gained and lost in many ways, and in this sense, these years have been so different from their predecessors. I have never been a person who cared much for people, but this past phase has led me to know people I would care very much for indeed. However, as if this was merely one side of the coin, my failings always come to mind. I have been exposed as the inadequate person I am so often that I'm sorely tempted to withdraw into a protective, impossibly good world.

Yet as unprepared I am, the next phase looks set to be something completely new. Something shelter-less. I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I'm going anyhow.

I think everyone who is about to leave a part of life behind for a significant period of time will hope in ways that he is sorely missed. I certainly do. I long for an affirmation that I wasn't a nobody for this passing phase of my life. I long to know that in spite of my failings and my inadequacies, I meant something to the people who mean so much to me.

But the truth can be a scary thing. If my 21st is to be a coming-of-age, a passing from this part of life to the next, then I don't know if I'm ready to know whether I was really worth anything at all.

Worship as an End in Itself

2008-06-06T12:38:00.003+01:00

"Now what does this imply about the feast of worship? Surprisingly, it implies that worship is an end in itself. We do not eat the feast of worship as a means to anything else. If what transforms outward ritual into authentic worship is the quickening of the heart's affections, then true worship cannot be performed as a means to some other experience. Feelings are not like that. Genuine feelings of the heart cannot be manufactured as stepping stones to something else.

For example: My brother-in-law called me long distance in 1974 to tell me my mother had just been killed. I recall his breaking voice as I took the phone from my wife: "Johnny, this is Bob, good buddy. I've got bad news... Your mother and dad were in a serious bus accident. Your mom didn't make it, and your dad is hurt bad."

One thing is for sure. When I hear news like that, I do not sit down and say, "Now to what end shall I feel grief?" As I pull my baby son off my leg and hand him to my wife and walk to the bedroom to be alone, I do not say, "What good end can I accomplish if I cry for the next half-hour?" The feeling of grief is an end in itself, as far as my conscious motivation is concerned.

It is there spontaneously. It is not performed as a means to anything else. It is not consciously willed. It is not decided upon. It comes from deep within, from a place beneath the conscious will. It will no doubt have many byproducts - most of them good. But that is utterly beside the point as I kneel by my bed and weep. The feeling is there, bursting out of my heart. And it is an end in itself.

Grief is not the only example. If you have been floating on a raft without water for three days after a shipwreck on the ocean, and there appears a speck of land on the horizon, you do not say, "Now to what end shall I feel desire for that land? What good end should now prompt me to decide to feel hope?" Even though the longing in your heart may give you the renewed strength to get to land, you do not perform the act of desire and hope and longing in order to get there.

The longing erupts from deep in your heart because of the tremendous value of water (and life!) on that land. It is not planned and performed (like the purchase of a plane ticket) as a means to getting what we desire. It rises spontaneously in the heart. It is not a decision made in order to... anything! As a genuine feeling of the heart it is an end in itself"

"When you stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time and watch the setting sun send the darkness down through the geological layers of time, you do not say, "Now to what end shall I feel awe and wonder before this beauty?

When a little child on Christmas morning opens his first gift and finds his "most favouritest" rocket that he has wanted for months, he does not think, "Now to what end shall I feel happy and thankful?" We call a person an ingrate when words of gratitute are dutifully forced instead of coming spontaneously from the heart."

"All genuine emotion is an end in itself. It is not consciously caused as a means to something else. This does not mean we cannot and should not seek to have certain feelings. We should and we can. We can put ourselves in situations where the feeling may more readily be kindled. We may indeed prize some of the results of these findings as well as the feelings themselves. But in the moment of authentic emotion, the calculation vanishes. We are transported (perhaps only for seconds) above the reasoning work of the mind and we experience feeling without reference to logical or practical implications.

This is what keeps worship from being "in vain." Worship is authentic when affections for God arise in the heart as an end in themselves. In worship God is the dreaded voice on the phone. God is the island on the horizon. God is the bear and the setting sun and the "most favouritest" rocket and the mother who gave it...

... If God's reality is displayed to us in his Word or his world, and we do not then feel in our heart any grief or longing or hope or fear or awe or joy or gratitude or confidence, then we may dutifully sing and pray and recite and gesture as much as we like, but it will not be real worship. We cannot honor God if our "heart is far from him".

Worship is a way of gladly reflecting back to God the radiance of his worth. This cannot be done by mere acts of duty. It can be done only when spontaneous affections arise in the heart."

JOHN PIPER, Desiring God, Pages 70-72

Glorifying God and Enjoying Him Forever

2008-05-30T20:52:00.001+01:00

[Note: This is a long post.]

Being the nit-picker that I am, I’ve always noticed this apparent grammatical error in the Westminster Catechism:

The chief end of man is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

An end of two ends? “And” is an awfully ambiguous word. Does it imply that we should be divided between the two pursuits? Are they mutually exclusive? Partially exclusive? Wholly inclusive? What exactly are we called to do?

I sincerely doubt that the writers made a grammatical mistake. After all, they were educated theological writers held in high regard. Therefore, consider that these “ends” are actually one and the same, that is, glorifying God and enjoying Him are mutually inclusive tasks. Perhaps I could rephrase this statement of the Catechism into something like:

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying him forever.

For many years, I have considered this a possibility. Indeed, in times of blessing it becomes natural to enjoy His grace and favour and to glorify Him. But structuring the statement as such requires far deeper study for acceptance.

One of the most significant implications that arise is this: that to glorify God we are called to be self-sacrificing; to give up all that we have; to surrender our earthly pleasures in hope of future greater gain. In other words, there should be no link between our enjoyment and us glorifying Him, and that we should do the latter anyway.

This is Kantian ethics of a sort. Actions are considered right when they are performed out of a sense of duty; we do it because it is right, irrespective of the outcome (which may be uncontrollable) and without any intended personal gain. These actions are to be judged as ends in themselves, and not a means to some other end.

For example, it would be right to help an old lady to cross the street because I should render help to those in need. But if I were to help the old lady with an eye to gaining some form of benefit for my help, then it would be ethically wrong from a Kantian perspective.

I remember a speaker who once said this during a sermon, that during worship we should not be influenced by the music or the crowd; we worship God for His goodness because we are called to do so, irrespective of all other things. It makes sense, doesn’t it? But such a thought led me to struggle during worship sessions, thinking about whether the ‘high’ I felt was an emotional one arising from the music and the people around me, or a spiritual one from God. When this good feeling vanished, I pressed onward, telling myself that worship was my duty anyway. Suffice to say I have spent many unhappy hours in worship.

Is it possible to seek our own enjoyment? Is it right? I find very often that as a youth my views on Christianity are belittled as deviant and overly liberal. Indeed, it seems to be tradition that calls us to be self-sacrificing and unselfish. However, C.S. Lewis does not seem to agree.

In “The Weight of Glory”, he writes:

“The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire.”

“If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.”

I have never thought that the commands in the Bible were written simply as rules to be followed. Instead, I have always believed that there was a purpose behind each command, in that it serves some higher good, perhaps even our good. “We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NASV)

I do not know whether it is right to call seeking God for our pleasure a selfish act. But it has always been so hard to praise God selflessly, or to do something good purely out of a sense of duty.

Indeed, it is clear that to be unselfish is something in the negative. Don’t be selfish! But in the Bible, we are called to good things in the most positive sense. “But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33, NIV)

Passion drives us, and a lack of passion implies stagnation. Clearly, we are people that need happiness and a sense of fulfilment in life. Apathy and unselfishness are empty, hollow states of mind that are deeply unsatisfying. I believe that as people we tend to gravitate towards what gives us the greatest pleasure. If the Church, or a church, insists that the way onward is to give up or to sacrifice our quest for a greater pleasure, then I would be very disappointed indeed.

I do not advocate hedonism in the worldly sense. But the fact that man constantly seeks excitement and pleasure is an indication of our need for satisfaction. I do not advocate making a god out of pleasure. But God is the ultimate and only answer to our search for pleasure. “O taste and see that the Lord is good!” (Psalm 34:8). “In your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures evermore.” (Psalm 16:11).

How can such clear-cut verses be denied?

If the deepest and most fulfilling pleasure is to be found in God, then surely, when we find our pleasure in Him, it is to His glory. If we were to deny this pursuit, we would be denying the reality of God to us.

My present loneliness is a gaping hole in my being that can only be filled by God. And I earnestly hope and pray that as I seek Him, He will come to fill me up with His love, grace, peace, and joy.

Untitled

2008-05-29T14:35:00.005+01:00

I've been belittled quite a number of times in life, and I daresay there'd be many more times to come. I'd like to think I have borne most of them in good humour and grace. But there are two groups of people I cannot bear to be belittled by:

My family, and my friends.

On Loving

2008-05-25T20:33:00.003+01:00

I don't like how interacting with people can be so complicated nowdays. There's always something to consider; something I'm saying too much of; something I'm not noticing. There're so many hints, and so much diplomacy. It makes me feel awfully frustrated.

I'm a relatively simple person. I like simplicity in things. I think it's beautiful. And I think, in the same way, we all respect a simple love. Simple trust. Openness. Honesty. These things are so rare and hard to find nowadays. Even in being honest, we make ourselves diplomatic.

It is deeply upsetting. There aren't many things I'd like better than to be able to spend some time with a loved one. Simple time. Enjoying the company, enjoying the time. These days, it seems that the more you care about somebody, the more attuned you have to be to all the complications.

I know for some people this comes completely naturally. They pick up the hints easily, respond accordingly, consider the many minutae and piece them together in a conceivable and positive scheme of things, and execute the entire operation well. Perhaps for them it's completely normal. Besides, even if it weren't, this would be just a part of life to get accustomed to.

But I'm not that kind of guy. I like a simple love. Simple care and concern. Simple trust. Simple promises. They mean something to me. And I do not lie when I offer them either. When these things are taken lightly, like empty words in a huge web of complex nuances, I feel very disillusioned, and very sad indeed.

You can call me an idealist, but don't you dare call me a liar.

Noise, or Sound Advice?

2008-05-22T11:19:00.004+01:00

I've been following the ongoing political situation in Malaysia through the papers, and it does seem to be getting a little out of hand. Foremost in my mind would be Mahathir's resignation from ruling party UMNO.

It's often been said that Mahathir overestimates his significance to present-day Malaysia. Unlike in Singapore, where MM Lee is widely respected and almost revered, Mahathir is merely another voice - albeit a loud one - in a sea of alternative voices. Power speaks, and people are interested only in those with power to effect change. Sadly, Mahathir is no longer a power-broker in the grand scheme of things, and thus his actions are futile.

For all the good work of UMNO, the biggest stain on their record is still the perception of corruption. Profiteering might be a sideline for party members, or, if not for themselves, then for the people related to them. It would then seem absurd for the politicians of UMNO to leave the party that grants them opportunity and power, merely to express their dissatisfaction with the government. Strong as the opposition may be, the situation is not yet at a point where UMNO members have to weigh the possibility of a declining UMNO affecting their personal status and position to influence. How would they then leave the party, and lose everything it has given them, merely to make a stand?

It is one thing to be a voice of wisdom and sound advice worth listening to, and another to be a voice that is annoying. With his antagonistic actions, Mahathir is fast declining into the latter category.

My N82

2008-05-14T10:37:00.003+01:00

On sunday, I finally got my N82. And I've been thrilled. It's been a good 3-4 years since my last new phone - the mitsubishi model I can't even remember - and at long last, after army, after all that drag, it's here.

I don't know whether it's just the thrill of something new, but I'm very happy with the phone thus far. I got the black, which I think looks a whole lot better, and less plastic, candybar-like. I like that it's well built; I don't have the feeling of handling something that could break at any time. And I quite like the positioning of the buttons as well, with the camera keys and menu key being especially useful. I understand that the small keys have been a complaint for some, but the keypad is pretty responsive and messaging is a cinch.

The main reason why I wanted this phone was for the camera. I had a look at photo shootouts of all the 5mp phones, and the N82 photos impressed me the most. And after a few test shots of my own, I believe I made the right choice. For a camera phone, the flash is powerful. I had a fully lit shot of my room at night with no lights on. The autofocus works pretty well as well. And unlike the frustrating camera software interface in the K850i, the N82's is intuitive and easy to use. My only complaint is that there is no way to disable the capture tone.

On the software end of things, which is awfully important for such a phone, I felt it was rather troublesome to have to insert a picture in WMP for every song to be transferred, even if album art was visible in WMP. It's a sync-ing problem I suppose, but not one that should be present in a phone of this calibre.

Also, I found the Nokia-Flickr uploader impossible to set up. I began with updating Share Online to version 3.0, which happens to be impossible to uninstall without a hard reset. This led to Share Online self-exiting on the phone whenever I choose to 'update services'. Following the troubleshoot information on the net, I deleted all present accounts under Share Online, to have the problem causing config automatically downloaded from Nokia when I tried to update services. The one and only time I managed to get a proper connect to Flickr through the phone, authentication failed. And mind, I tried with both the Yahoo Flickr password as well as the apparent special Nokia password for Flickr accounts.

Yet in the midst of this problem, another advantage of the N82 shone. The up-to-date Symbian S60 3.1 meant that I had a wide variety of third-party applications to draw from, and Shozu, which I managed to set up in barely 5 minutes, thus easily replaced Share Online 3.0 as the primary upload means for me. The option to 'show transfer data' in Shozu is also a big plus, as it enables me to track the progress of uploads/downloads, and see what went wrong if anything did.

On a whole I'm very pleased with the phone. I haven't had to reset except for the odd crashes during my troubleshooting with Share Online, and the battery power even with camera and WLAN usage is amazing so far.

Me

2008-05-06T16:45:00.004+01:00

Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.
SARA BAREILLES, Love on the Rocks

I think I'm the kind of person who appreciates simplicity in life. Even in science I'm always for building up from the fundamentals, and reducing complicated ideas to the same.

I've never really been able to comprehend those complex situations with open-ended variables. The kind where anything may happen, and even the smallest, most innocuous action, can result in an outcome far removed from the best intentions. Like in the real world.

I think I do try. I'm an idealist in a sense, and I have several strong beliefs which directly influence how I relate to people I care about. I try not to be overbearing, because I often sense that I am, a little too late. And I do my best to be accepting and open.

I am not a good conversationalist in any way. And I've grown up an introvert. But close relationships are very important to me - maybe in part because I have so few of them. I think I've once shared with a friend that the thought of losing a good friendship invokes fear in me. I fear it can make me somewhat possessive at times, and I try to fight that as well.

I feel that openness is crucial for any form of relationship become stronger and grow, but even now, I can seem like a recluse amidst close friends. It's the way I am, I guess. As much as I genuinely want to share and open myself up, there's always a palpable fear that I will inadequately express myself, giving the wrong impression, and in the worst scenario, gradually losing the friendship.

What can I say? It takes time for me to warm up to people. And I don't take to strangers all that well, even if I find them likeable.

I don't know what many people think of me. I know many friends have seen my less likeable attributes, and I don't know whether it weighs on them as heavily as it does on me (my weak points, not theirs). I hope that it doesn't, of course, but the rubbish stockpile is usually only revealed in the most adverse circumstances, and I wonder if collecting it all the while was intentional or mere subconscious.

Either way, it's bad for me.

Sometimes I wish I had control over more situations. But the more I see, the more I realise that I cannot bring about an ideal result even with more control. It's not easy to see doors close in front of your most sincere and earnest desires.

But if you don't cut it, you just don't. There is no pretence. And I wonder, maybe I don't really make the cut after all.

Music

2008-05-04T02:13:00.004+01:00

While in town the past week, I've spent a fair bit of time in HMV, and it has rekindled a desire to listen to good music.

I have yet to make any purchases, as I haven't found an album I really like (and I mean the whole album, not just a song or two). But there've certainly been tracks I enjoy right now, and why.

My Moon, My Man | FEIST
A kind of jazzy pop that's sultry and modern. I like the ambience it gives, and how it isn't overbearing or overly dissonent.
Touch My Body | Mariah Carey
To be honest I quite dislike Mariah. Her albums always have tracks that sounds pretty much the same, and while she does have a great voice, she gets boring rather quickly. But this song is both sexy and classy, and the sultry undercurrent in the chorus is just sinful.
Daughters | John Mayer
I think I didn't like this song once, but I've changed my mind. The lyrics are a call for parents to nurture their daughters well, because these relationships will affect their adulthood relationships with men. It rings true.
Gray or Blue | JayMay
There's always some bubblegum in lists I like. I can't quite explain why. Perhaps there's always that immature element of love that I continually yearn for that makes these songs something I can relate to easily.

Random Thoughts

2008-05-03T17:41:00.003+01:00

I have a food blog!

In other news, I watched Ironman with Jacob last night. I must say I quite enjoyed the movie. Loved Robert Downey Jr's performance. And I certainly appreciated how the producers didn't overload the script with superfluous subplots.

Sarah asked me earlier which I felt was the better movie: Ironman or Transformers. It's a hard call, but I'd have to go with Ironman for Robert Downey Jr's performance. Transformers had quite a bit of humour though.

Jacob and I spent quite some time talking about our pathways in life. I guess it's something I feel quite strongly about, making the most out of where you are, even if I may not exemplify it.

I do feel that I am really, really blessed.

The Object of Praise

2008-04-29T07:16:00.003+01:00

I read through a few of the Psalms today, and to be honest, I felt somewhat bored. There seemed to be so many of the "Praise God", "The Lord is beautiful" types that didn't feature much else. They were much like those praise & worship songs that go on and on in repetitive loops without particularly meaningful verses. I have never really enjoyed them.

But I might have been missing the point altogether. If I cannot relate to the songs, then somehow, my focus is in the wrong direction. Everything, and yes I mean everything, should begin, proceed, and end with God as the central focus. God, and not what God gives. God, as He is.

Other possibilities are opened for us when God is the central focus. Struggles in life? I know I haven't had much success trying to make things right. But in God's city, we become immutable. And not because of anything about ourselves, but because of where we are and who we belong to.

God is in her citadels;
he has shown himself to be her fortress.

When the kings joined forces,
when they advanced together,

They saw her and were astounded;
they fled in terror.
PSALM 48:4-6 (NIV)

I try to make it a point to count my blessings when I have trouble in life. And it certainly does help. But the writer of the Psalm sees this in a completely different perspective.

Walk about Zion, go around her,
count her towers,

Consider well her ramparts,
view her citadels,
that you may tell of them to the next generation.

For this God is our God for ever and ever;
he will be our guide even to the end.
PSALM 48:12-14 (NIV)

In a sense, GOD is the blessing. And if I can finally see Him in that light, the counting will stop, and the praise will begin.

Critics are Blind

2008-04-15T14:40:00.003+01:00

On the way home today, some old thoughts came to mind. I find subtle expression in words difficult for now, so pardon the blunt writing.

I've been thinking about impressions. It goes without saying that we all like to be liked. None of us want to be thought of in a negative way with respect to the standards and ideals that we have. And so, to avoid being thought of as sloppy, we dress neatly; to avoid being thought of as unfriendly, we put on pleasing expressions; to avoid being thought of as less than intelligent, we maneuver ourselves into situations which allow us to showcase our opinions.

Of course, the things which are important differ from person to person. There are things which I may completely disregard, which you consider as fundamental. The bottom line is that I have my ideal standards, and you have yours, and we all want to achieve them.

The problem is that success in these areas can be highly subjective. For instance, when can you be truly considered fashionable? Or sociable? Or friendly? We are judged by society, and the results of today's judgment will always be replaced by that of tomorrow.

I think this is the reason why impressions become important. I may not know that you will exhibit a certain quality tomorrow, but because of my past judgments, I have an impression that you possess this quality innately, and assume that you will exhibit it continually. If this 'I' represents the collective sentiment of a community you belong to, then in their eyes and yours, you have become successful.

Now it is likely that you are not yet at that perceived level. And we humans, with our various systemic and random flaws, are unlikely to ever attain our ideal standards. So the natural outcome is a chase after the next best thing - impressions.

This leads to some perplexing outcomes. For one, people begin to perceive changes in impressions as more important than the actual difference between reality and the ideal. Also, because impressions come to matter so much, we form impressions of others much more readily - becoming judgmental - without realising that we are all collectively far from the ideal; by doing so, we allow ourselves to become the ideal.

It is a kind of pride of which I am guilty of, and which I hate. It annoys me incessantly when, for instance, people make negative comments about the host and some of his failings in a party, and allow these comments to become the defining impression of the event. The fact of the matter is, he is the one who is most likely working towards the ideal, and the critics, as critics, have made no advances in that direction. Any idiot can tell you that 30% > 0%.

Nobody wants to look bad. Impressions are important but they can blind us. Nobody wants to look bad.

Don't be blind.

Cynicism

2008-04-10T20:39:00.003+01:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.
I hate love.
NEIL GAIMAN; Rose Walker's Soliloquy in Sandman #65: The Kindly Ones

It's strange and puzzling how small actions, perhaps even performed unknowingly by those you love, can hurt so deeply. Even simple words with only the best of intentions can be like receiving a knife's blade through the heart, again and again.

And when it happens you have to ask yourself, who is at fault? Who is the fool? And every time this question plagues you, the conclusion must always be that you only have yourself to blame. You had the armor, and you let it down.

You let it down for one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, who sees you in that exact way.

Different kinds of apples

2008-04-05T12:22:00.004+01:00

I find it strange that for something so often thought about and spoken of in people, beauty has an increasingly narrow definition. Almost everyone has thought or said at some point that physical beauty is superficial and inner beauty in the form of character and personality is better and lasts longer. And I must admit it can feel somewhat dull for a high ideal to be made commonplace.

I think there is always a place for physical beauty. Inasmuch as we would not want to discriminate or pre-judge people for a lack of it, the truth is that physical beauty is something everyone aspires toward in some way or another. Yes, it is physical, and purely physical, but that doesn not make it in any way unimportant or merely superficial.

After all, we are physical beings. We interact and garner information using our senses. Yes, "beauty is in the eye of her beholder", but this beauty is beheld - with the eyes! And the presence of physical beauty is something wonderful to behold. Let no one deny that.

There is nothing wrong with physical beauty. The only fault is that of man, who live and die by it. They see it as more than it should be. Never overlap what is physical with what is emotional or cognitive. Society fails in that respect more often than not.

But the alternative, putting down physical beauty, is not much better. Yes, good character and personality are beautiful things. We speak of beautiful minds, beautiful hearts with just as much respect, if not more. But to act as if physical beauty is unimportant is to do the same thing as those who make it too important.

Why is it so difficult to appreciate beauty as it exists in different forms? Give credit where it's due, whether the beauty is physical or innate or both. There is no fight between them, so let us not marginalise what was made to be appreciated.

Problems and Pain

2008-04-02T19:34:00.008+01:00

"He who fails to plan, plans to fail" is a maxim many of us have been ingrained with since our youth. In many ways this is sound advice. Lofty aims are made possible with tiny, focused steps, and no piece of work/project can be completed without some form of prior planning.

I always feel a pressure to want to do something about my problems. I don't know whether it is really a subconscious aspiration for an ideal, or some kind of unsettledness in being wounded and not addressing the pain. It is a fix-it mentality that has served me well in many ways. Academically, and in other personal interests.

But there are some things that are simply beyond easy fixing; some problems that remain malignant in spite of concerted attempts at a solution. And these things remain, causing me the most pain, and yet defy the simple label of a problem, instead becoming a very part of life.

Approaching every difficulty seeking simple solutions reduces men to sophisticated machines. Life is such that the monochrome extends itself multifariously, where every good in one dimension is a bad in the next. Sometimes giving up the pain is selfishness, and taking it in the only way out.

John Lennon once remarked that "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." In a sense, it's true. But life is the plan making, plan breaking, and empty waiting rolled in one.

I wish there was a favorable answer to my problem and my pain.

When we don't accept the good

2008-04-02T14:33:00.002+01:00

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy.
JAMES 1:2 (New Living Translation)

The Beatles sang "let it be" as the answer to our sadness in suffering. And very often in these unhappy times, I'm told to just let it be, that nothing can be done about it - c'est la vie. It then seems so strange, so contradictory, that for James trouble is an opportunity for joy for Christians. But will we, or do we, let it be?

The Beauty of Randomness

2008-04-02T06:39:00.002+01:00

I spent some time last time looking through CSS guides. It's been a long time, and I am completely out of touch. Dreamweaver now under Adobe? Wow.

As always, with reading HTML/CSS guides, it is always best to see how they are executed. And after one random walk through blogskins, this happened.

I love layouts with clear, simple form. It's pretty without being cluttered. The text is eminently readable, which is a must for me. And all in all it's like a throwback to the old serendipity days, when I did all the coding myself.

I think this randomness will last me a while. But a placid house, even in a different time, is neither random nor red. And no one expresses your self better than you do.

Faith and mountains

2008-03-25T13:13:00.002Z

The mountains skipped like rams,
the little hills like lambs!
Why, mountains, did you skip like rams?
Why, little hills, like lambs?
Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Israel.
Psalm 114:4, 6, 7 (NLT)

I found this quite amusing. And incredibly enriching as well.

I have always had trouble with the faith verses. Probably because of all the contradicting things I've heard. I assure you that you can say to this mountain...

But perhaps at the heart of it, it's really down to just God and I. That's what a relationship is about isn't it? No peripherals. And in spiritual things, maybe the faith I need is the faith to remove the mountains of guilt, of corruption, of unbelief/doubt, and of insecurity. And the miracle is that God doesn't just move the mountains, but removes them.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Clap clap

2008-03-25T10:23:00.002Z

There's a serial I have started watching that's quite entertaining. The cast looks solid and there are a good spread of main characters to keep the plot from fizzling out. I love the little subplots too.

The ending will probably be sub-par though. Endings usually are, especially after the high following the series creates. But it'll do for now. (:

The sad thing is that watching this show reminds me of things I don't want to think about, things I have been thinking about too much. I am not the kind of person to easily give up on what I hold dear. Nor do I believe in inevitability. But I suppose there are some things for which both hands need to clap. And forced clapping isn't gonna make a nice sound anyway.

I wish to know. But wishing is often futile.

Casting Crowns

2008-03-22T10:22:00.003Z

So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear
is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' 'bout the rain
And mullin' over things
that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance
to tell him that You love Him
CASTING CROWNS, Here I Go Again

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. It seems so foolish to be so preoccupied with circumstantial things, but they feel so important. There are many things, feelings, beliefs I don't know if I can give up right now easily.

It really isn't nice to know that I've slipped to a point where I can be in church, listen to a perfectly decent sermon, and think, "There's nothing in this for me." Certainly, there are bad sermons, improper intepretations, and completely irrelevant topics. But hearing nothing because of an unwillingness to listen is miles away from hearing nothing because there is nothing to hear. And I know my God always has a good word for me.

Between friends there are always differences, little things to be understood and tolerated because they are part and parcel of being human. We ignore these things in our relationships because the relationship comes before that - and we wouldn't want to risk it!

But what if upon one such difference lies the the void between eternal joy and death? What if such a thing makes the difference between living a good life with your loved one, and living it knowing he never got the chance?

But my giants are too strong. And I don't have any fire in my eyes.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again
"Boy you'll never win, you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
CASTING CROWNS, Voice of Truth

Chump Chump

2008-03-21T15:05:00.002Z

“Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are”
ANTHELME BRILLAT-SAVARIN (1755-1826)

Eating out the other day got me thinking about food. Not just thinking about the food I was eating, but about food. Necessities can be strange things. And for something so essential, I never cease to be amazed at how much food can be desired.

I do love food. Good food. But peculiarly enough, good food is the stuff of life that I never stuff myself with. How is it possible, for instance, to wolf down a perfectly cooked, perfectly tender cod fillet? Sure, there's food - the imaginary horses that the ravished yearn for - and there's food, where every bite is something wonderful to savour.

And on the flipside is bad food. Bad food is anathema to me. I can still vividly remember the taste of the meatballs I ate in army during a CNY steamboat. Dry, papery, with a horrid smell that foreshadows the retching that it must induce. That is the first time I remember involuntarily rejecting cooked food, and I will never put myself in a similar situation again.

Thankfully enough, I've had a fair share of positive experiences with food in good company. Good pasta, good meat. Good company redeems a mediocre meal. But that's a story for another time.

2008-03-21T15:03:00.002Z

Someone I know blogs about old men in swimming pools with wrinkly bits. Now, does anyone find that disturbing?

2008-03-17T18:40:00.002Z

All I Have To Do Is Dream
(The Everly Brothers)

Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream, dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream

I can make you mine taste your lip some wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I’m dreamin’ my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream

I can make you mine taste your lip some wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I’m dreamin’ my life away

I can make you mine taste your lip some wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I’m dreamin’ my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want u all I have to do is
Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream

Go and sin no more

2008-03-14T14:07:00.003Z

Then Jesus stood up again and said to her, "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"
"No, Lord," she said.
And Jesus said, "Neither do I. Go and sin no more."
JOHN 8:10-11 (NLT)

It is a strange, strange feeling to know that no-one has the right to condemn me except God. And stranger still it is to know that he doesn't condemn me either. And perhaps that's the reason why I'm feeling so much oppression.

Right now I feel like a sinner of the worst degree. I don't deserve anything but punishment. Sure I may have my good points. Sure I do care and love people. But all that feels so half-hearted and hollow as of late.

And I struggle and struggle and I flip through pages and it jumps right out at me. "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?"

"Then neither do I. Go and sin no more."

That simple? That's it? It's so hard to believe and accept. Like the woman, it is death I deserve. And Jesus just says he won't condemn me with an almost casual disregard, as if the sin didn't matter in the least.

How can it be? How can it be that I should gain an interest in my Saviour's blood? He died, he suffered, my gain? This struggle that I feel, it is like stumbling through the darkness. And almost impossibly, this is the verse that follows the description of the account with the woman:

Jesus said to the people, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't be stumbling through the darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life."
JOHN 8:12 (NLT)

God can read my mind. I don't know. I don't get it. Just take me along.

Doubt

2008-03-14T13:58:00.002Z

I would want nothing better than to be able to obey God. Obedience is such a simple thing, and it can bring so much joy. But I cannot understand this struggle I have to give up good and simple things for choices that bring so much grief.

God is a wonderful God. Of that, I have no doubt. But why is it that I feel so dead to all that wonder and beauty? It's agonising to feel so empty, to look for answers and find little encouragement. The children seek Jesus without question. Where is my simple faith?

I find it hard to believe. I find myself drawn to too many things that take up too much time and yield too little reward. I find myself feeling emotionally unsatisfied. Sure, ORD has left me with a thrill, but its ring is beginning to sound hollow.

Pray for me.

Matthew 2:1-8

2008-03-12T12:39:00.002Z

It is strange how simple passages can hold so much meaning when looked at in depth. Matthew 2:1-8 is one such passage. Here are my comments:

Matt 2:1-8 primarily describes the wise men's search for Christ. Perhaps some things to note about them are that they are magi (wizards of a kind held in high regard in their homelands) and are foreign (gentiles). These people are in a sense the outsiders, the ones who were not chosen as God's people, the ones who have made war on Israel time and again in their history, bringing them idols and false practices.

In the light of this, their enquiry is astounding:

Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We have seen his star as it arose, and we have come to worship him.
MATTHEW 2:2 (NLT; emphasis mine)

At this time Jesus was probably a 2 year old child (Matt 2:16). How strange, how ironical it is that the king of the Jews lives in obscurity amongst his own people, for two years no less, when the magi, unbelieving gentiles have come to worship him! Matthew Henry writes that this is symbolic of Christ's victory over the devil, that "those who had been so much his devotees became the early adorers even of the infant Jesus; so soon were trophies of his victory over the powers of darkness erected." If they were wise men before, then they truly became wise when they began to seek after Christ.

Notice also that they spoke with such certainty. Where is the newborn King of the Jews? as if there was no doubt in the least about his kingship and his existence. They spoke with no care for the person they spoke to. Asking about the location of a king from the apparent ruler! And more importantly, the magi might have referred to Jesus as the newborn King of the Jews, but in seeking to worship him, they acknowledged him as their Lord and King as well.

Isn't it strange, putting ourselves in the shoes of the magi, to come so far to this foreign land to find no-one worshipping the newborn king? God works in strange ways indeed. Sometimes the people you would most expect to be closest to Him are the furthest, and the truest believers from the most unexpected places (the shepherds).

The wise men, and those who would follow in their footsteps, are best described by Jesus later in the book:

And I tell you this, that many Gentiles will come from all over the world and sit down with Abraham, Issac, and Jacob at the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven. But many Israelites - those for whom the Kingdom was prepared - will be cast into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
MATTHEW 8:11-12 (NLT)

Far from seeing these verses as a doomsday message, I think we can find in them great encouragement. Clearly, God doesn't care about your background, or how stooped you are in evil things (the magi were pagan magicians). If he reveals himself to you, and you come to know him, seek him with the best of yourself, and you will find him.

The wise men certainly did.

QT: Matthew 1

2008-03-10T06:22:00.004Z

I have always been woefully ignorant of the content of the 4 gospel books. It surely is easier to be attracted to the epistles! But while Romans and the like have become almost all-encompassing in how they are used as the sole source for discussion of doctrine, there will always be a sense of incompletion if the basis (the gospels) were not considered as well.

With this in mind I decided to start off post-ORD QT beginning with the basics. I intend to go through the 4 gospels, at no particular time frame or pace - just sequentially would be fine - with reference to the Old Testament where necessary.

Here are some brief scribbles on Matthew 1:

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
GEN 1:1-2 (KJV)
The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.
MATT 1:1 (KJV)

I found this contrast quite interesting, even if trivial. The Old Testament begins with the creation of the world - this formless, emptiness, dark hollow. And the New Testament begins with the generation of Christ, the Saviour of the World. Or as Matthew Henry comments, "that it begins with the book of the generation of Him that made the world."

Matthew mentions in particular that Jesus is the son of David and the son of Abraham, even though this is clearly evident in the genealogy. I find this significant because it brings into the fore two key characters from the Old Testament, and therefore two central characteristics of Jesus, namely:

a. That Jesus is human, just like all of us, for he is a child of Abraham (the father of many nations)

b. That Jesus is a King, for he is a child of David (King of Israel).

Yet in view of the latter, notice how the pattern in the entire genealogy is distinctly different right at the end. Instead of "A was the father of B", verse 16 presents to us "Jacob was the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary. Mary was the mother of Jesus, who is called the Messiah." This seems to suggest that should Jesus not be the child of Joseph, he does not follow the entire genealogy!

I think Matthew Henry's commentary best discusses this:

The line is brought down, not to Mary the mother of our Lord, but to Joseph the husband of Mary (v. 16); for the Jews always reckoned their genealogies by the males: yet Mary was of the same tribe and family with Joseph, so that, both by his mother and by his supposed father, he was of the house of David; yet his interest in that dignity is derived by Joseph, to whom really according to the flesh he had no relation, to show that the kingdom of the Messiah is not founded in a natural descent from David.
The centre in whom all these lines meet is Jesus, who is called Christ, v. 16. This is he that was so importunately desired, so impatiently expected, and to whom the patriarchs had an eye when they were so desirous of children, that they might have the honour of coming into the sacred line. Blessed be God, we are not now in such a dark and cloudy state of expectation as they were then in, but see clearly what these prophets and kings saw as through a glass darkly. And we may have, if it be not our own fault, a greater honour than that of which they were so ambitious: for they who do the will of God are in a more honourable relation to Christ than those who were akin to him according to the flesh, ch. 12:50. Jesus is called Christ, that is, the Anointed, the same with the Hebrew name Messiah. He is called Messiah the Prince (Dan. 9:25), and often God’s Anointed (Ps. 2:2). Under this character he was expected: Art thou the Christ —the anointed one? David, the king, was anointed (1 Sa. 16:13); so was Aaron, the priest (Lev. 8:12), and Elisha, the prophet (1 Ki. 19:16), and Isaiah, the prophet (Isa. 61:1). Christ, being appointed to, and qualified for, all these offices, is therefore called the Anointed—anointed with the oil of gladness above his fellows; and from this name of his, which is as ointment poured forth, all his followers are called Christians, for they also have received the anointing.
Matthew Henry's Complete Commentary on the Whole Bible. Matthew 1:1-17, pts 10-11.

Perhaps this line says the most: "they who do the will of God are in a more honourable relation to Christ than those who were akin to him according to the flesh". What makes him ruler, and what makes him true King, is not his fleshly ancestors, but that he does the will of God and is the chosen one. Even in the very beginning, Jesus shows the break from the law.

In the same way, it doesn't matter that we come from a corrupt species or a fallen generation, or even wrecked families. Because of Jesus' redemption, we become eligible before God, and in believing in Him, we are the chosen ones. The Elect. And for us, the Spirit is our anointing to do His work.

Perhaps Joseph is the first example in the book of obedience to God's will. Imagine being engaged to a virgin woman to find her pregnant! Given the societal circumstances of the day, how would people view both yourself and her? Pre-marital sex, I think, would be criminal in such an age. But Joseph heard the message from the angel, and obeyed.

(On a side-note, I found it very very encouraging to read that Joseph did not want to break the engagement because of any implication on himself, but because he did not want to disgrace Mary publicly. In other words, he wanted to do what was right, but tampered it with grace.)

We are urged to seek the voice of God and obey Him. And almost universally, and controversially, there is the question of, "How do we know it is God?" Perhaps Joseph's example lends some biblical insight.

There is always some debate over general revelation and special revelation, and whether God reveals himself to us, like he did to people in the past, today. I can't say I know much with certainty about these things. But Joseph's case has some distinct characteristics that can be kept in mind in times of doubt.

a. God comes to you in times of distress/fear when you seek to do what is right. Joseph sought not only to follow the law (break the engagement) but also to balance that with grace (not to shame her publicly). It certainly was a dilemma for him. What would he respond if his friends/family asked him what had caused the split?

b. God is faithful to all his promises. In Joseph's dream, the angel speaks of new promises made and old promises fulfilled. And none of it contradicts, or does not follow from, what was made in the past.

c. God intends good for us (Jer 29:11). How can sending us the Immanuel, the Prince of Peace, the Lord of Lords, the one who will dwell with us not be good?

d. His message does not call you to sin. Even after the dream, Joseph did not lie with Mary. He understood that while they were married, she was set apart, and he respected that.

Sometimes we use the Spirit's call to give us license to do what we want/like. But it is not mentioned whether Joseph liked this arrangement or not, or whether he enjoyed any part of it. All we know is that the angel of the Lord commanded, and Joseph obeyed.

2008-03-05T12:03:00.003Z

Some good food is meant for slow, thoughtful appreciation, and others for comfort gobbling. For instance, I could never slowly nibble on a cheap carbonara, or gobble down duck seared with foie gras. Both are wonderful, sinful cravings. But to compare them? I think not.

Food should be judged from the perspective in which it is to be enjoyed. There is no comparison between stuffing myself silly during zhi car meals with the family and gently appreciating a degustation menu with a friend. Certainly, the latter probably offers better food. But a good meal isn't simply the physical thing you chew upon, it is an intensely emotional and spiritual experience that can be shared with loved ones.

I went to meet J for lunch today. Chicken rice at Upper Thomson. The meal was good, but to be honest I didn't notice a thing I ate. Not the texture or freshness of the meat, or the sweetness of the sauce. What made that meal worth having, and worth having again, was the easy company and conversation with a good friend. Sure it was a good meal. We had Hainanese steamed chicken, sweet and sour pork, and fried beancurd, all of which were palatable in their own right. I didn't think they were amazing.

They weren't meant to be.

I am beginning to find that many of the things I enjoy in life are far more emotionally rewarding in the company of loved ones. It is as if the presence of a friend - the mutual appreciation and understanding in even the mundane, little activities - acts as an additive bonus to the quality of the experience as a whole. I know I can rattle off the names of people I'd like to be with for various activities offhand.

Relating with friends, like enjoying food, lead to a multitude of complex experiences. Sometimes you get annoyed at them, sometimes you're obsessed with them, sometimes you plainly can't understand them, and sometimes they know just the right buttons to push to make you feel like you're the person most loved in the world.

But it's worth it. Worth it all. (:

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
ALBERT CAMUS (1913-1960)

2008-02-17T14:54:00.002Z

I spent the day fighting for Larousse. And I found the resistance lacking.

Some skills, I think, I would rather not lose in this modern world.

2008-02-17T14:49:00.002Z

A bloated stomach unsatiated
Tears me from restful sleep
And shudders my chance at wakefulness.

Bad food is a poison
It is a poison to the soul.

ORD

2008-02-06T13:32:00.000Z

This year's celebrations for me were a little too much, too soon. Having a big dinner with the specs (which was really really good), steamboat buffet in camp, overnight lan, a Battery ORD function in Sentosa, and steamboat reunion dinner back home almost back-to-back is really exhausting. Now I've got a fever to start the holidays. And the prospect of guard duty on Sunday isn't very welcoming.

But good and bad are often mixed up together. Dinner with the specs, seen in the light of our last few days as NSFs together, was a wonderful get-together that really highlights the year we've been through. It isn't easy to make friends. And I daresay I'll be very much upset if I can't come back to press on with this bunch for ICT in the future.

Dota with the usual bunch last night was really enjoyable too. Even though we lost it was a match I enjoyed much more than others because we were trying to play as a team and have a go at it together. We need vent. Haha. And some daring enough to lead.

The Battery ORD function was a great time of reliving an army life soon to end. All the good times in India, the laughs, the people - you aren't wrong when you say these 2 years aren't about the chionging and the labour, but about friends found and the memories made with them. I am not a very good commander, but I have excellent men. And I owe a lot to them.

It's strange, isn't it? Army is (still is!) the bane of my existence, but somehow I'm starting to look back at a lot in a good light. Somehow as time passes and the hurts of circumstances fade, the one thing that endures is a friendship found and proven. And of these I have plenty to be thankful for.

2008-02-03T10:46:00.000Z

The stained glass of a midnight sky stretches from peak to peak
Of Ancients furrowed and browed
They overhang a great expanse of fields
with gutted knolls and pools
These shimmer with Midas Gold.
The spirits grapple in a deathly chill
Of the Funeral
Oh what cries and yowls!
Sorrow reigns and soars as King with a scepter
Whose striking sound is the very gong of death.
Every man is the Lone Man, who
With his dark overcoat
Is the black dove, dead rose, and vulture lord in One.
The crow is silent upon the Tree
As it watches him walk by
Walk by
Bestride pools of lies and bleeding giants
He stops once
only
To drink from the well that is forever dry.
A hazy fog surrounds
This life is yours to live, and mine.

Sea-Sky Storey

2008-02-02T19:56:00.000Z

菊花台
曲：周杰倫
妳　的淚光　柔弱中帶傷
慘白的月彎彎　勾住過往
夜　太漫長　凝結成了霜
是誰在閣樓上　冰冷的絕望
雨　輕輕彈　朱紅色的窗
我一生在紙上　被風吹亂
夢　在遠方　化成一縷香
隨風飄散　妳的模樣
菊花殘　滿地傷　妳的笑容已泛黃
花落人斷腸　我心事靜靜躺
北風亂　夜未央　妳的影子剪不斷
徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙
花　已向晚　飄落了燦爛
凋謝的世道上　命運不堪
愁　莫渡江　秋心拆兩半
怕妳上不了岸　一輩子搖晃
誰　的江山　馬蹄聲狂亂
我一身的戎裝　呼嘯滄桑
天　微微亮　妳輕聲的嘆
一夜惆悵　如此委婉

Yes I know I don't like chinese. But I like poetry, and good lyrics. And music that makes people sit down and listen without being overly self-indulgent or depressing. So er, flower beds it is for me.

Hai Tian Lo @ Pan Pacific on friday night was the highlight of the week. Good food in a splendid setting with raucous friends makes for a jolly good time. (:

It's quite amusing how the people who can't speak chinese well, if at all, were picking the dishes. But I think we made some good choices. Even if we almost over ordered. Peking duck, meat platters, scallops (with green things and white things!), tofu, spare ribs, etc. Loved the duck most. Loved the scallops with the small white things too (diced lobster wow). Ribs were ordinary. Tofu was good.

It's the company that stood out though. With all the laughing and the absolute absurdity of some of the things they did (handover ceremony in front of the hai tian lo signboard), I really hope we can make this happen every year. Kudos to SW for organising and getting the venue. Loved it.

2008-01-28T19:21:00.000Z

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.
HENRY VAN DYKE (1852 - 1933)

I stumbled across this quote when browsing through some of my old stories. Writing is a wonderful, wonderful thing, and it brings sheer delight in both the process and completion. What a pity I find the ink of my heart so dry the paper so parched these days.

I have never been an exceptional writer. My understanding of plot and how to put one together is woefully limited. I can't pull off twists like a con-artist, and neither can I string together a phrase of words in brevity that will weave a beautiful picture. No doubt, once in a while a couple of poetic phrases find their way into my writing. But I assure you, I did not know they would be there, nor did I expect them.

One of the convictions I have of writing is that the piece must be full of emotion. Nothing can be realistic unless you really believe in it (or possess a powerful grasp of the language and the skills of a con-artist). And the easiest emotions to summon are the strongest ones. Sadness. Joy. Love.

And it is thus in this fashion that I have written what I have. Stories of love in joy and sadness. Of death in its finality. Of life when you have what's worth living for. And yet, looking back, I find myself so devoid of everything that I believe and have put in words. "Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." (David Grayson)

I do not know what has made me so accustomed to being an observer. I remember having once thought that the armchair on the outside is the best place to view life - objectively. But to know something is to experience it truly. And one will never know how living is like by just watching through the window.

I have become so passive as a result. I don't want to place people in awkward situations, especially those whom I love, even if this entails loving them less. It hurts, and I fear I shall find many reasons to regret this. And yet I continue to. I wouldn't dare go over the top. I'm terrified of failure. Signs pop up constantly along the road, saying, "This is inappropriate", "This isn't the right time." And all the time I wonder whether what I intend to do is really self-seeking in its roots.

Sometimes I pray for easy answers. But these things are not in my hand. And I worry that by the time I act, it'll be too late.

Love does not dominate, it cultivates.
WOLFGANG VON GOETHE

2008-01-27T12:50:00.000Z

Convictions are a strange thing. It's so easy to think you are right, to come up with or copy proofs and evidence that place things in your favour. It always seems so right, so logical. I see your point, just as you see mine.

It doesn't make sense to me how something so absolute can only be resolved with an impasse on making yet another criticism of the argument.

It doesn't make sense to me how people can tell you one thing, mean it so completely that second, and yet behave as if it didn't matter at another.

People are strange things. I am a strange person.

2008-01-19T19:38:00.000Z

I just got back a while ago from cycling with Jacob. Real good fun haha. I haven't cycled so long in a while, and never at night.

I met him at Sembawang MRT. From there we went back the way I came, past my place, and straight upwards to Newton for a real late night supper and a good chat. :) It was tough, especially getting back alone with all the fatigue and no-one to talk to. But good for a first time I suppose.

It'd be great to do it again. Hopefully with more people if we can make it happen logistics-wise. But all that will have to wait till my muscles recover. Which will take a while.

:D

2008-01-19T14:45:00.000Z

一群嗜血的蚂蚁被腐肉所吸引
我面无表情看孤独的风景
失去你爱恨开始分明
失去你还有什麼事好关心

当鸽子不再象徵和平
我终于被提醒
广场上喂食的是秃鹰
我用漂亮的押韵
形容被掠夺一空的爱情

啊乌云开始遮蔽夜色不干净
公园里葬礼的回音在漫天飞行
送你的白色玫瑰
在纯黑的环境凋零
乌鸦在树枝上诡异的很安静
静静听我黑色的大衣
想温暖你日渐冰冷的回忆
走过的走过的生命
啊四周弥漫雾气
我在空旷的墓地
老去后还爱你

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲
纪念我死去的爱情
跟夜风一样的声音
心碎的很好听
手在键盘敲很轻
我给的思念很小心
你埋葬的地方叫幽冥

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲
纪念我死去的爱情
而我为你隐姓埋名
在月光下弹琴
对你心跳的感应
还是如此温热亲近
怀念你那鲜红的唇印

那些断翅的蜻蜓散落在这森林
而我的眼睛没有丝毫同情
失去你泪水混浊不清
失去你我连笑容都有阴影
风在长满青苔的屋顶
嘲笑我的伤心
像一口没有水的枯井
我用凄美的字型
描绘后悔莫及的那爱情

周杰倫, 夜曲

Love the melancholy in the lyrics. Sometimes the best words are found in a language you fear the most.

Blackbird

2008-01-01T19:13:00.000Z

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
BEATLES, Blackbird

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T19:10:00.000Z

It is a strange and disconcerting feeling beginning the New Year with ambivalence. At such an opportune time to look back and take stock of days past, to be thankful for the good that was gained and grateful for the evil avoided; to look ahead with hope and desires, to be firm and resolute in the tasks set ahead, I fear I see nothing but a blank sheet.

I do have wishes, dreams, and fears like everyone else. Yet, there is this sense of detachment from everything, almost as if the year has not yet ended, and the new one not yet begun. It is like a beginning you arrive at once more and cannot recognise. I have many resolutions, but I lack resolve for them all.

I feel like one of those clashing cymbals with a hollow sound. I need to find my way back to the heart of God.

Waiting in the Weeds

2007-12-29T16:19:00.000Z

It's comin' on the end of August
Another summer's promise almost gone
And though I heard some wise man say
That every dog will have his day
He never mentioned that these dog days get so long

I don't know when I realized the dream was over
Well, there was no particular hour, no given day
You know, it didn't go down in flame
There was no final scene, no frozen frame
I just watched it slowly fade away

And I've been waiting in the weeds
Waiting for my time to come around again and
Hope is floating on the breeze
Carrying my soul high up above the ground and
I've been keepin' to myself
Knowin' that the seasons are slowly changing
Even though you're with somebody else
He'll never love you like I do

THE EAGLES, Waiting in the Weeds

For the Ship of Love

2007-12-17T14:31:00.000Z

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
DIDO, lyrics from the song White Flag

PS. Cafe

2007-12-11T10:37:00.000Z

There are some places to eat at that everyone knows about, but haven't really tried. Places where there is this strong, vivid impression and conviction about the quality of aspects of the food or ambience or service formed somehow from just sprinkles of actual experience.

I had dinner at such a place last night. PS.Cafe @ Dempsey. Perhaps being sited at Dempsey makes for very hyped impressions - the location is idyllic, and the white building the cafe is sited in looked sparkly and quaint even in the torrid weather. I think the three of us loved it upon first sight. What a pity, then, that for PS.Cafe, looks were deceiving.

It all started off pretty well. The maitre'd had immaculate manners. Upon finding out we were walk-in customers, he didn't seem bothered in the least, but politely informed us that we might have to shift to the lounge area at 8pm due to prior reservations. Given these circumstances, one could hardly complain about the table assigned, but it would have been nice to have been closer to the Christmas tree. We couldn't see the part of menu on the blackboard hung high in the middle of the dining area very well either.

Having had Ben & Jerrys earlier while waiting for the cafe to open, we decided to skip soup/starters and go straight for the main courses. I must admit they all sounded really good! The selection was a tad restricted though, and at that point I wondered why it was so.

We ordered the moussaka, some assorted meat ragout, and venison bangers & mash. They looked really pretty, and the vegetable servings are impressive. But the meat! - oh, the meat. I had looked forward to good meat, and I wasn't to be satisfied. Sure enough, my venison sausages were alright. But they tasted microwaved and uninspired. I think the ragout had lost some of it's flavour. And I've certainly tasted better main course sausages. It says a big deal if I think some zhi char places deal with their deer meat better than in here.

Meats are supposed to taste heavenly when cooked slowly. The ragout, however, tasted like a botched rush job. I liked it then, but it certainly could have been better. And like the Bangers, this certainly tasted re-heated as well.

We had dessert too. Apple pie with cheddar crust. I don't know if it was out full stomachs, but the mix of bitter cheddar cheese and a not-so-sweet apple pie didn't work very well for me. To think I've heard of PS. Cafe because of its desserts.

I think what really saved it for me was the company. The cafe itself has a great ambience, with the smell of the Christmas tree wafting through the dining area happily. And the time spent in the company of two good friends (oh what will I do come wednesday, when my two good food kakis go on holiday?!) was quality time indeed. It's really like what I read later on at home. PS. Cafe's a great place to see and be seen, but don't come expecting great food.

How true.

Fly like a Bird

2007-12-05T12:07:00.000Z

If the past few days are an indication to go by, I think I'd love life after army. It's a strange, almost ethereal feeling being able to choose when and what you'd like to do, to be freed from an inhibiting schedule that clouds the mind and dulls the heart; to be able to Christmas shop when you like, to go for appoinments without having to rush back to camp. It's good.

I haven't been able to pop online just to talk to people for a very long time. Or go out for strolls through town alone while waiting for my next dental appointment (usually I have to cancel them). This is a pseudo-liberation that I find very, very welcome after so very long.

I saw Eun-hye Park yesterday. You know, the bumbling but pretty sidekick of Lee Young-Ae in Jewel in the Palace. She was at Breadtalk in Paragon to launch their new series of Korean products. I think I was there for almost an hour before she arrived. But while the rest of the crowd insisted on standing and waiting, I had my first post-braces-removal meal at The Soup Spoon, which was conveniently sited just 5 metres from the Breadtalk entrance.

Clam Chowder. Yum yum. Of course, theirs was more chow than chowder. Meaning it was really thick and sludge-like, but it was nice anyway. One can't be too picky with such hesitant, unprotected teeth.

And speaking of teeth after braces, the mold used to make retainers is the most gag-inducing thing ever. I doubt I've ever had such a tough time trying not to swallow or move my tongue. After that harrowing hour in the dentist I have this newfound obsession with wearing, and consequently not losing, my retainers.

Of course, not meeting any friends during this break leaves a strange, hollow aftertaste. No doubt, you can't blame anyone. Everyone's on holiday at this time. Or still having exams. Even some old friends from pri/sec school that are in army now have gone overseas - something I won't be able to do for the 2nd year running.

I shan't complain though. Things are looking up. Just, what, 3 more months? Let's leave that till then. Right now, it's back to waiting for my cutlet fried rice and hoping this day-long headache will go away.

Work

2007-11-26T14:20:00.000Z

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
JARS OF CLAY; Work, from the album Good Monsters

The lyrics of this song are amazing.

2007-11-24T13:47:00.001Z

Your way is laid before me. Blessed am I to stay upon it. My journey is to find you. How can I stay pure? How can I? How can I? I read the roadmap of your word. I run the course you set before me. Barricade the road that goes nowhere. Grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to somewhere.

THE PARACHUTE BAND, Fill Me/Psalm 119 from the album Roadmaps and Revelations

2007-11-24T06:56:00.000Z

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Worship

2007-11-24T06:30:00.000Z

But the most obvious fact about praise - whether of God or anything - strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honour. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless (sometimes even if) shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it. The world rings with praise - lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favourite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game - praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the sme time most balanced and capricious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits, and malcontents praised least...
I had not noticed either that just as men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: "Isn't she lovely? Wasn't it glorious? Don't you think that magnificent?" The Psalmists in telling everyone to praise God are doing what all men do when they speak of what they care about. My whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly enyding to us, as regards the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we can't help doing, about everything else we value.
I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed.
C.S. LEWIS, Reflections on the Psalms

There's been this verse (and others like it) that I've always used but never understood very well. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 63:1). Somehow it tends to be about the desires of my heart rather than delight in the Lord, almost as if to say that by attaining the desires of my heart, I would be delighted.

I've only just realised over the past few days that God is the true, absolute joy, and that my heart can only be satisfied in him. "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for thee, O God, for the living God" (Psalm 42:1-2). There is so much that God can give us. His grace overwhelms. But more than that, beyond what material things He can bless us with, is Him. God is the capstone. The foundation of worship. The all-satisfying object. "Taste and see that the LORD is good!" (Psalm 34:8).

Worship is at its simplest level adoration, and we only adore what delights us. Worshipping or praising something we have no pleasure in is hypocritical. So yes, while we do want to deny ourselves to follow Him, we do not detach ourselves from the pleasure of knowing Him. The purpose of God wanting us to draw near to Him is so that we may find joy in His glory. And this, consummate joy, will be greater than any satisfaction we will ever know.