Anything Considered

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions have an echo
In so much space

GNARLS BARKLEY, "Crazy"

Life can seem awfully bleak sometimes. And you can feel so lost and abandoned. It doesn't matter whether this is the worst of times, but it certainly matters that it isn't the best. If only things were better. If only people were better. But let's not ask for too much.

I used to tell myself that emotions deceive. They do. But right now this awful feeling isn't a lie - it's real, and it hurts. Someone asks me, "What is in your hand?" And I reply, "Not much." I tell the truth.

Everyone wants to just let go and escape. Right now, I want to. But it'll all tumble back to the beginning. I need something different. I need something more.

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.

I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.

There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.

And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

IRA STAMPHILL, 'I know who holds tomorrow'

I noticed to some amusement how my last three posts show me longing separately for the past, the present, and the future. I suppose people have different emotional needs in different situations, and this attachment to a sense of time is just an extension of that need.

Do I really want to know that part of you? Can I handle knowing more, and still be who I am?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

I can't remember the concept clearly, but there's this thing about self-actualisation in GP that's always struck me hard. I think we'd always want to make something better out of ourselves, out of our time, and out of our present stages in life. It's probably supposed to be a process of sorts: we seek ourselves by trying and being faced by new and different things, growing with each success and failure until we become the finished product.

I'm afraid that for me it doesn't feel quite right that way. Some part of me clings on the status quo, another part longs for the good old days. I sometimes feel that I'm betraying the past when I want to take a journey to the future. The end result is the in-between, the not-quite-here and not-yet-there which makes for awfully conflicting emotions and thoughts at the worst possible situations.

I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man.

Nicholas Cage as DAVE SPRITZ, in THE WEATHER MAN

I watched The Weather Man on HBO last night. I abosolutely loved the movie. The pains and the flaws of the protagonist were so achingly human that I couldn't help but relate to the movie on a personal level. The monologue above sums it up well. There may be a lot of things about myself that I dislike, a lot that I want to change. But for the moment, right now, for better or worse, I am who I am. And self-actualisation is just a poor man's dream.

It is easy to forget that the past we remember may well be far removed from actual events and the manner in which they transpired. There will always be a tendency to overemphasis what we loved and to desensitise ourselves to what hurt us through selective memory. But when we are confronted with the truth, and come out grown men, we become true masters of our fate.

Today I came across my old chat logs while going through my old computer. And instead of the usual reminiscence I have come to expect in reading of my past, I became gripped with a cold fear. I was afraid to see and know myself from the vantage point of time, afraid to see myself unmasked, afraid to see the worst of the world rearing itself in me, and most of all, afraid to know that that ugliness may still be within me today.

Perhaps there is a reason why we forget certain things. I felt awfully disturbed as I read those logs, as if they were a sacredness I violated that I had no place in. Granted, those were extracts from the worst moments of my life. But they certainly reveal how unprepared I am today to deal with yesterday's pains.

I'm sure the past has her virtues, but I'd probably be better off living today for tomorrow.

Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night
Remember how the stars stole the night away

Aaahh Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in September
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day

EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE: September

Sometimes old-school music is simply the best. Hearing this today was a wonderful throw-back to good old nostalgic moods. And it just felt so apt right then to have elephanccinos with a good friend in a laidback sunday afternoon along orchard road. It really makes me wonder why I don't make music more accessible in my life. Or friends, for that matter.

A good friendship is really so much more than the sum of its activities. I loved the ramen, the movie watching, the delightful drinks, the strolling around and all that today; but beyond all that is the feeling of great blessedness that comes in the company of a cherished friend. It's a wonderful, inexplicable feeling that makes me very happy indeed.

Yet inasmuch as I love my friends, the litmus test will always be the dire straits that must come one day. And the thought that I may at that time not want to involve myself when my friend is under fire is a very, very scary one.

I don't know with all certainty what I might do in the future. But for the present, there are some things/people worth fighting for, and a good friend is one of them. I daresay I'd give no less for those I cherish above all.