Anything Considered

Tripping hard falling down onto the ground
Cause I can't stand up
And I can't fall down
And I'm somewhere in the middle of this

Well I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
But I don't like the way things are
And I keep falling to my knees
Somewhere in the middle of this

DISHWALLA, Somewhere in the Middle

This is one of those times when I feel so deeply for something, but lack the words to describe it.

It's hard to be human.

"For to swim is also to take hold
On water’s meaning, to move in its embrace
And to be, between grasp and grasping, free."

Excerpt from TOMLINSON's Swimming Chenango Lake

'Tis strange to see the humours of these men.
These great aspiring spirits, that should be wise:

For being the nature of great spirits to love
To be where they may be most eminent;
They, rating of themselves so farre above
Us in conceit, with whom they do frequent,
Imagine how we wonder and esteeme
All that they do or say; which makes them strive
To make our admiration more extreme,
Which they suppose they cannot, 'less they give
Notice of their extreme and highest thought.

DANIEL; excerpt from Tragedy of Philotas

I never thought I'd say this, but for once, I thoroughly feel disenchanted.

Yes, we win some and we lose some.

'These little things are great to little men.'

OLIVER GOLDSMITH, Irish playwright and poet (1728 - 1774)

Little things can frustrate me and weigh heavily on my mind. It is unsettling to know this, and more unsettling still to realise that my tiny troubles loom ever-large in spite of the knowledge that they dim in comparison to the afflictions of others.

I think I tend to want to victimise myself. I can't say whether this is a form of humility brought too far, or simply a sad narcissism. There is a constant sense of entrapment - whether by circumstances, prejudices or a careless series of mis-steps. And I know that this pervasive sense of victimhood has affected my quality of life.

In all adversity, there is doubt. I am all too familiar with constantly second-guessing my decisions, of being crippled by uncertainty, and of a malignant hopelessness.

Yet the strangest thing is that when we choose to break free and to fight on, we become liberated in spite of our circumstances. Perhaps freedom only empowers when we consciously decide to act upon the limited options that lie open to us. I know I derive meaning from the course of actions of my past - to some extent, what I do defines who I am.

'Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity.'

VACLAV HAVEL, playwright and 1st president of the Czech Republic (born 1936)

Hope is a strange thing.

We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, "Oh, nothing!" Pride helps us; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts - not to hurt others.

GEORGE ELLIOT, Middlemarch (Vintage Classics, 2007), Pg 60

It is easy for me to eschew pride for want of humbler virtues. Life affirms this: I can still vividly trace many of my failures to pride, to how I blinded myself by thinking that I was already good enough.

And yet, I cannot help but wonder now if seeking the other extreme has led me to commit the crime I have struggled to avoid all this while.

Like they all say, pride does come before a fall.

1st Gent. Our deeds are fetters that we forge ourselves.
2nd Gent. Ay, truly: but I think it is the world that brings the iron.

GEORGE ELLIOT, Middlemarch (Vintage Classics, 2007), Pg 31.

It is easy to make mistakes in life, but it is easier to accumulate them - unnoticed! - till the end is a rushing torrent of consequence and regret. Living life without these pains is to live ignorantly, and that, I cannot do.

Sometimes I do wish that the world would conform to my dreams of happy possibilities. I wish that things could be easier, be simpler, be as beautiful as I've always wanted them to be, and more. Perhaps life isn't about having the perfect answer, but about facing the questions. And as we blindly muck around, each finding our own answers to our problems, we grow, and fail, and grow some more.

That hurts.