Anything Considered

[Note: This is a long post.]

Being the nit-picker that I am, I’ve always noticed this apparent grammatical error in the Westminster Catechism:

The chief end of man is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

An end of two ends? “And” is an awfully ambiguous word. Does it imply that we should be divided between the two pursuits? Are they mutually exclusive? Partially exclusive? Wholly inclusive? What exactly are we called to do?

I sincerely doubt that the writers made a grammatical mistake. After all, they were educated theological writers held in high regard. Therefore, consider that these “ends” are actually one and the same, that is, glorifying God and enjoying Him are mutually inclusive tasks. Perhaps I could rephrase this statement of the Catechism into something like:

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying him forever.

For many years, I have considered this a possibility. Indeed, in times of blessing it becomes natural to enjoy His grace and favour and to glorify Him. But structuring the statement as such requires far deeper study for acceptance.

One of the most significant implications that arise is this: that to glorify God we are called to be self-sacrificing; to give up all that we have; to surrender our earthly pleasures in hope of future greater gain. In other words, there should be no link between our enjoyment and us glorifying Him, and that we should do the latter anyway.

This is Kantian ethics of a sort. Actions are considered right when they are performed out of a sense of duty; we do it because it is right, irrespective of the outcome (which may be uncontrollable) and without any intended personal gain. These actions are to be judged as ends in themselves, and not a means to some other end.

For example, it would be right to help an old lady to cross the street because I should render help to those in need. But if I were to help the old lady with an eye to gaining some form of benefit for my help, then it would be ethically wrong from a Kantian perspective.

I remember a speaker who once said this during a sermon, that during worship we should not be influenced by the music or the crowd; we worship God for His goodness because we are called to do so, irrespective of all other things. It makes sense, doesn’t it? But such a thought led me to struggle during worship sessions, thinking about whether the ‘high’ I felt was an emotional one arising from the music and the people around me, or a spiritual one from God. When this good feeling vanished, I pressed onward, telling myself that worship was my duty anyway. Suffice to say I have spent many unhappy hours in worship.

Is it possible to seek our own enjoyment? Is it right? I find very often that as a youth my views on Christianity are belittled as deviant and overly liberal. Indeed, it seems to be tradition that calls us to be self-sacrificing and unselfish. However, C.S. Lewis does not seem to agree.

In “The Weight of Glory”, he writes:

“The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire.”

“If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.”

I have never thought that the commands in the Bible were written simply as rules to be followed. Instead, I have always believed that there was a purpose behind each command, in that it serves some higher good, perhaps even our good. “We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NASV)

I do not know whether it is right to call seeking God for our pleasure a selfish act. But it has always been so hard to praise God selflessly, or to do something good purely out of a sense of duty.

Indeed, it is clear that to be unselfish is something in the negative. Don’t be selfish! But in the Bible, we are called to good things in the most positive sense. “But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33, NIV)

Passion drives us, and a lack of passion implies stagnation. Clearly, we are people that need happiness and a sense of fulfilment in life. Apathy and unselfishness are empty, hollow states of mind that are deeply unsatisfying. I believe that as people we tend to gravitate towards what gives us the greatest pleasure. If the Church, or a church, insists that the way onward is to give up or to sacrifice our quest for a greater pleasure, then I would be very disappointed indeed.

I do not advocate hedonism in the worldly sense. But the fact that man constantly seeks excitement and pleasure is an indication of our need for satisfaction. I do not advocate making a god out of pleasure. But God is the ultimate and only answer to our search for pleasure. “O taste and see that the Lord is good!” (Psalm 34:8). “In your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures evermore.” (Psalm 16:11).

How can such clear-cut verses be denied?

If the deepest and most fulfilling pleasure is to be found in God, then surely, when we find our pleasure in Him, it is to His glory. If we were to deny this pursuit, we would be denying the reality of God to us.

My present loneliness is a gaping hole in my being that can only be filled by God. And I earnestly hope and pray that as I seek Him, He will come to fill me up with His love, grace, peace, and joy.

I've been belittled quite a number of times in life, and I daresay there'd be many more times to come. I'd like to think I have borne most of them in good humour and grace. But there are two groups of people I cannot bear to be belittled by:

My family, and my friends.

I don't like how interacting with people can be so complicated nowdays. There's always something to consider; something I'm saying too much of; something I'm not noticing. There're so many hints, and so much diplomacy. It makes me feel awfully frustrated.

I'm a relatively simple person. I like simplicity in things. I think it's beautiful. And I think, in the same way, we all respect a simple love. Simple trust. Openness. Honesty. These things are so rare and hard to find nowadays. Even in being honest, we make ourselves diplomatic.

It is deeply upsetting. There aren't many things I'd like better than to be able to spend some time with a loved one. Simple time. Enjoying the company, enjoying the time. These days, it seems that the more you care about somebody, the more attuned you have to be to all the complications.

I know for some people this comes completely naturally. They pick up the hints easily, respond accordingly, consider the many minutae and piece them together in a conceivable and positive scheme of things, and execute the entire operation well. Perhaps for them it's completely normal. Besides, even if it weren't, this would be just a part of life to get accustomed to.

But I'm not that kind of guy. I like a simple love. Simple care and concern. Simple trust. Simple promises. They mean something to me. And I do not lie when I offer them either. When these things are taken lightly, like empty words in a huge web of complex nuances, I feel very disillusioned, and very sad indeed.

You can call me an idealist, but don't you dare call me a liar.

I've been following the ongoing political situation in Malaysia through the papers, and it does seem to be getting a little out of hand. Foremost in my mind would be Mahathir's resignation from ruling party UMNO.

It's often been said that Mahathir overestimates his significance to present-day Malaysia. Unlike in Singapore, where MM Lee is widely respected and almost revered, Mahathir is merely another voice - albeit a loud one - in a sea of alternative voices. Power speaks, and people are interested only in those with power to effect change. Sadly, Mahathir is no longer a power-broker in the grand scheme of things, and thus his actions are futile.

For all the good work of UMNO, the biggest stain on their record is still the perception of corruption. Profiteering might be a sideline for party members, or, if not for themselves, then for the people related to them. It would then seem absurd for the politicians of UMNO to leave the party that grants them opportunity and power, merely to express their dissatisfaction with the government. Strong as the opposition may be, the situation is not yet at a point where UMNO members have to weigh the possibility of a declining UMNO affecting their personal status and position to influence. How would they then leave the party, and lose everything it has given them, merely to make a stand?

It is one thing to be a voice of wisdom and sound advice worth listening to, and another to be a voice that is annoying. With his antagonistic actions, Mahathir is fast declining into the latter category.

On sunday, I finally got my N82. And I've been thrilled. It's been a good 3-4 years since my last new phone - the mitsubishi model I can't even remember - and at long last, after army, after all that drag, it's here.

I don't know whether it's just the thrill of something new, but I'm very happy with the phone thus far. I got the black, which I think looks a whole lot better, and less plastic, candybar-like. I like that it's well built; I don't have the feeling of handling something that could break at any time. And I quite like the positioning of the buttons as well, with the camera keys and menu key being especially useful. I understand that the small keys have been a complaint for some, but the keypad is pretty responsive and messaging is a cinch.

The main reason why I wanted this phone was for the camera. I had a look at photo shootouts of all the 5mp phones, and the N82 photos impressed me the most. And after a few test shots of my own, I believe I made the right choice. For a camera phone, the flash is powerful. I had a fully lit shot of my room at night with no lights on. The autofocus works pretty well as well. And unlike the frustrating camera software interface in the K850i, the N82's is intuitive and easy to use. My only complaint is that there is no way to disable the capture tone.

On the software end of things, which is awfully important for such a phone, I felt it was rather troublesome to have to insert a picture in WMP for every song to be transferred, even if album art was visible in WMP. It's a sync-ing problem I suppose, but not one that should be present in a phone of this calibre.

Also, I found the Nokia-Flickr uploader impossible to set up. I began with updating Share Online to version 3.0, which happens to be impossible to uninstall without a hard reset. This led to Share Online self-exiting on the phone whenever I choose to 'update services'. Following the troubleshoot information on the net, I deleted all present accounts under Share Online, to have the problem causing config automatically downloaded from Nokia when I tried to update services. The one and only time I managed to get a proper connect to Flickr through the phone, authentication failed. And mind, I tried with both the Yahoo Flickr password as well as the apparent special Nokia password for Flickr accounts.

Yet in the midst of this problem, another advantage of the N82 shone. The up-to-date Symbian S60 3.1 meant that I had a wide variety of third-party applications to draw from, and Shozu, which I managed to set up in barely 5 minutes, thus easily replaced Share Online 3.0 as the primary upload means for me. The option to 'show transfer data' in Shozu is also a big plus, as it enables me to track the progress of uploads/downloads, and see what went wrong if anything did.

On a whole I'm very pleased with the phone. I haven't had to reset except for the odd crashes during my troubleshooting with Share Online, and the battery power even with camera and WLAN usage is amazing so far.

Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.

SARA BAREILLES, Love on the Rocks

I think I'm the kind of person who appreciates simplicity in life. Even in science I'm always for building up from the fundamentals, and reducing complicated ideas to the same.

I've never really been able to comprehend those complex situations with open-ended variables. The kind where anything may happen, and even the smallest, most innocuous action, can result in an outcome far removed from the best intentions. Like in the real world.

I think I do try. I'm an idealist in a sense, and I have several strong beliefs which directly influence how I relate to people I care about. I try not to be overbearing, because I often sense that I am, a little too late. And I do my best to be accepting and open.

I am not a good conversationalist in any way. And I've grown up an introvert. But close relationships are very important to me - maybe in part because I have so few of them. I think I've once shared with a friend that the thought of losing a good friendship invokes fear in me. I fear it can make me somewhat possessive at times, and I try to fight that as well.

I feel that openness is crucial for any form of relationship become stronger and grow, but even now, I can seem like a recluse amidst close friends. It's the way I am, I guess. As much as I genuinely want to share and open myself up, there's always a palpable fear that I will inadequately express myself, giving the wrong impression, and in the worst scenario, gradually losing the friendship.

What can I say? It takes time for me to warm up to people. And I don't take to strangers all that well, even if I find them likeable.

I don't know what many people think of me. I know many friends have seen my less likeable attributes, and I don't know whether it weighs on them as heavily as it does on me (my weak points, not theirs). I hope that it doesn't, of course, but the rubbish stockpile is usually only revealed in the most adverse circumstances, and I wonder if collecting it all the while was intentional or mere subconscious.

Either way, it's bad for me.

Sometimes I wish I had control over more situations. But the more I see, the more I realise that I cannot bring about an ideal result even with more control. It's not easy to see doors close in front of your most sincere and earnest desires.

But if you don't cut it, you just don't. There is no pretence. And I wonder, maybe I don't really make the cut after all.

While in town the past week, I've spent a fair bit of time in HMV, and it has rekindled a desire to listen to good music.

I have yet to make any purchases, as I haven't found an album I really like (and I mean the whole album, not just a song or two). But there've certainly been tracks I enjoy right now, and why.

My Moon, My Man | FEIST

A kind of jazzy pop that's sultry and modern. I like the ambience it gives, and how it isn't overbearing or overly dissonent.

Touch My Body | Mariah Carey

To be honest I quite dislike Mariah. Her albums always have tracks that sounds pretty much the same, and while she does have a great voice, she gets boring rather quickly. But this song is both sexy and classy, and the sultry undercurrent in the chorus is just sinful.

Daughters | John Mayer

I think I didn't like this song once, but I've changed my mind. The lyrics are a call for parents to nurture their daughters well, because these relationships will affect their adulthood relationships with men. It rings true.

Gray or Blue | JayMay

There's always some bubblegum in lists I like. I can't quite explain why. Perhaps there's always that immature element of love that I continually yearn for that makes these songs something I can relate to easily.

I have a food blog!

In other news, I watched Ironman with Jacob last night. I must say I quite enjoyed the movie. Loved Robert Downey Jr's performance. And I certainly appreciated how the producers didn't overload the script with superfluous subplots.

Sarah asked me earlier which I felt was the better movie: Ironman or Transformers. It's a hard call, but I'd have to go with Ironman for Robert Downey Jr's performance. Transformers had quite a bit of humour though.

Jacob and I spent quite some time talking about our pathways in life. I guess it's something I feel quite strongly about, making the most out of where you are, even if I may not exemplify it.

I do feel that I am really, really blessed.