Anything Considered

Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.

SARA BAREILLES, Love on the Rocks

I think I'm the kind of person who appreciates simplicity in life. Even in science I'm always for building up from the fundamentals, and reducing complicated ideas to the same.

I've never really been able to comprehend those complex situations with open-ended variables. The kind where anything may happen, and even the smallest, most innocuous action, can result in an outcome far removed from the best intentions. Like in the real world.

I think I do try. I'm an idealist in a sense, and I have several strong beliefs which directly influence how I relate to people I care about. I try not to be overbearing, because I often sense that I am, a little too late. And I do my best to be accepting and open.

I am not a good conversationalist in any way. And I've grown up an introvert. But close relationships are very important to me - maybe in part because I have so few of them. I think I've once shared with a friend that the thought of losing a good friendship invokes fear in me. I fear it can make me somewhat possessive at times, and I try to fight that as well.

I feel that openness is crucial for any form of relationship become stronger and grow, but even now, I can seem like a recluse amidst close friends. It's the way I am, I guess. As much as I genuinely want to share and open myself up, there's always a palpable fear that I will inadequately express myself, giving the wrong impression, and in the worst scenario, gradually losing the friendship.

What can I say? It takes time for me to warm up to people. And I don't take to strangers all that well, even if I find them likeable.

I don't know what many people think of me. I know many friends have seen my less likeable attributes, and I don't know whether it weighs on them as heavily as it does on me (my weak points, not theirs). I hope that it doesn't, of course, but the rubbish stockpile is usually only revealed in the most adverse circumstances, and I wonder if collecting it all the while was intentional or mere subconscious.

Either way, it's bad for me.

Sometimes I wish I had control over more situations. But the more I see, the more I realise that I cannot bring about an ideal result even with more control. It's not easy to see doors close in front of your most sincere and earnest desires.

But if you don't cut it, you just don't. There is no pretence. And I wonder, maybe I don't really make the cut after all.