Anything Considered

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

JARS OF CLAY; Work, from the album Good Monsters

The lyrics of this song are amazing.

Your way is laid before me. Blessed am I to stay upon it. My journey is to find you. How can I stay pure? How can I? How can I? I read the roadmap of your word. I run the course you set before me. Barricade the road that goes nowhere. Grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to somewhere.

THE PARACHUTE BAND, Fill Me/Psalm 119 from the album Roadmaps and Revelations

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

But the most obvious fact about praise - whether of God or anything - strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honour. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless (sometimes even if) shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it. The world rings with praise - lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favourite poet, walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game - praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars. I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the sme time most balanced and capricious, minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits, and malcontents praised least...

I had not noticed either that just as men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: "Isn't she lovely? Wasn't it glorious? Don't you think that magnificent?" The Psalmists in telling everyone to praise God are doing what all men do when they speak of what they care about. My whole, more general, difficulty about the praise of God depended on my absurdly enyding to us, as regards the supremely Valuable, what we delight to do, what indeed we can't help doing, about everything else we value.

I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed.

C.S. LEWIS, Reflections on the Psalms

There's been this verse (and others like it) that I've always used but never understood very well. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 63:1). Somehow it tends to be about the desires of my heart rather than delight in the Lord, almost as if to say that by attaining the desires of my heart, I would be delighted.

I've only just realised over the past few days that God is the true, absolute joy, and that my heart can only be satisfied in him. "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for thee, O God, for the living God" (Psalm 42:1-2). There is so much that God can give us. His grace overwhelms. But more than that, beyond what material things He can bless us with, is Him. God is the capstone. The foundation of worship. The all-satisfying object. "Taste and see that the LORD is good!" (Psalm 34:8).

Worship is at its simplest level adoration, and we only adore what delights us. Worshipping or praising something we have no pleasure in is hypocritical. So yes, while we do want to deny ourselves to follow Him, we do not detach ourselves from the pleasure of knowing Him. The purpose of God wanting us to draw near to Him is so that we may find joy in His glory. And this, consummate joy, will be greater than any satisfaction we will ever know.

I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things
inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.

PSALM 119: 25-32 (Eugene Peterson's The Message)

I had a good time tonight in ACJC amidst cell members worshipping with the Parachute Band. It's strange, somehow, that the songs most close to my heart on a night of contemporary music were the slow, worshipful ones. I really respected how the lead singer came to say that God's love is always there, and that the Parachute band chooses to stay close all the time to His Word. It might not be a big deal to most people, but it is to me. It takes courage to declare something like that in such simple, honest terms when most people don't even proclaim that they love God in church.

Today for cell M asked us to ponder over what are the three fundamentals in our christian walk, the three things we'd turn to or to doing in times of adversity. I admit I was stumped for a while. It's awfully easy for me to just think up three crucial aspects of the faith and elaborate on them, but the challenge really was all self-examination. What do I truly believe? What would I instinctively turn to?

I'm in a relatively unhappy phase of life. Circumstances haven't been going all wrong, but they haven't been good either. I find myself constantly torn between my desires and doing what's right. Sometimes even torn up over wondering what's right. I've been making many mistakes, falling into spiritual pitfalls, failing to do so much of what I am called to, and failing too often to hear the call.

For me, there's always been a simple solution to the problem. Like Zhic's msn nick subtly reminds: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matt 6:33 NIV) Yet what does seeking his kingdom imply? I never knew how it could mean so many different things until cell today.

The three things I decided on were worship, community, and prayer. But as M began sharing and I reflected more deeply on it all, I realised how large the gaping holes in my Christian walk are. Worship's always been something I would turn to doing. Throwing myself into praise never fails to give me an uplifting feeling - even if that would last only for half an hour. As for community, well, who doesn't want good Christian friends to share your problems and joys with? But when was the last time I truly shared, as a believer to another, my innermost fears instead of just superficial complaints? And prayer? Let's just said I haven't prayed with an earnest heart for some time.

The first of M's three fundamentals struck me hard. Love. God's love. I assure you, it isn't a nice feeling trying to do good and give and help and serve and love when you're far away from God. Eventually it turns selfish and tiring and just... wrong. And for me, when this goes wrong, everything goes wrong. For if I cannot love fully and give of myself to those I hold dear, then everything I do ends up lonesome and uncaring - two feelings I've been experiencing very acutely as of late.

Some verses just can't be forgotten: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4-7 NIV) All this, only possible through the source of life and love, God himself.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote in The Wisdom of the Sands: "In giving you are throwing a bridge across the chasm of your solitude." How true for me, that nothing but the purest intentions and honest love will return with the strongest sense of fulfilment to tide me through the loneliness.

I'm finding it hard not to be selfish. Very often it's easy to fit stereotypes, to find labels and make them fit around me. But all this make-believe is an awful dampener to moods when I try to see my life through a prism of truth. And I do realise that I am a terribly selfish person. I've been thinking too often about what I gain from events, what I've been given by various people, and what I want others to see about me. It saddens me to know that I feel frustrated when I don't have some of that which I desire for, because these feelings can sometimes overwhelm a sense of love and compassion for others.

There's so much I wish I had -, but I don't. And maybe it's time to let go of some things. Some preconceptions and misconceptions.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2 (NIV)