Anything Considered

Today for cell M asked us to ponder over what are the three fundamentals in our christian walk, the three things we'd turn to or to doing in times of adversity. I admit I was stumped for a while. It's awfully easy for me to just think up three crucial aspects of the faith and elaborate on them, but the challenge really was all self-examination. What do I truly believe? What would I instinctively turn to?

I'm in a relatively unhappy phase of life. Circumstances haven't been going all wrong, but they haven't been good either. I find myself constantly torn between my desires and doing what's right. Sometimes even torn up over wondering what's right. I've been making many mistakes, falling into spiritual pitfalls, failing to do so much of what I am called to, and failing too often to hear the call.

For me, there's always been a simple solution to the problem. Like Zhic's msn nick subtly reminds: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matt 6:33 NIV) Yet what does seeking his kingdom imply? I never knew how it could mean so many different things until cell today.

The three things I decided on were worship, community, and prayer. But as M began sharing and I reflected more deeply on it all, I realised how large the gaping holes in my Christian walk are. Worship's always been something I would turn to doing. Throwing myself into praise never fails to give me an uplifting feeling - even if that would last only for half an hour. As for community, well, who doesn't want good Christian friends to share your problems and joys with? But when was the last time I truly shared, as a believer to another, my innermost fears instead of just superficial complaints? And prayer? Let's just said I haven't prayed with an earnest heart for some time.

The first of M's three fundamentals struck me hard. Love. God's love. I assure you, it isn't a nice feeling trying to do good and give and help and serve and love when you're far away from God. Eventually it turns selfish and tiring and just... wrong. And for me, when this goes wrong, everything goes wrong. For if I cannot love fully and give of myself to those I hold dear, then everything I do ends up lonesome and uncaring - two feelings I've been experiencing very acutely as of late.

Some verses just can't be forgotten: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4-7 NIV) All this, only possible through the source of life and love, God himself.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote in The Wisdom of the Sands: "In giving you are throwing a bridge across the chasm of your solitude." How true for me, that nothing but the purest intentions and honest love will return with the strongest sense of fulfilment to tide me through the loneliness.